I just couldn't help myself

I always say I will NOT use any game walkthroughs, cheat sheets or other interweb resources whenever I start a game and once I get to around the 70hrs of gameplay mark (as I have now) the void of stuff I'm missing starts to nag at me. It's worst when I find something by accident - stumbling across the first few cactuars for example. Then after searching Sanubia Desert for three hours to no avail, and even though I have the Baroque Sword with no encounters so I don't have to waste my time with any more fucking pathetic Alcyones I just can't bring myself to spend another second combing the blinding sands.

And a little voice starts saying; 'Look, it's not really CHEATING. You still have to actually do the game. It's just a time saving device.' And whereas to start with, I would have responded; 'No! That will result in a hollow and meaningless victory!' now I'm just thinking; "Yup, let's fire up Google."

What can I say? I'm weak.

Back on the Airship

FFX - 52 hours in

The quest through Mt Gagazet is completed, the final temple, that of ancient Summoner, now Fayth (and Yuna's namesake) Yunalesca. Judging by the 'ancient puzzles' in Yunalesca's temple, she was the patron saint of Tetris.

The temple is the gateway to the ruins of Zanarkand, and beyond, the stomping grounds of Yunalesca herself. Along the way, the pyreflies give us glimpses of the past, and an inkling as to why Seymour was such a fucked up mess. If your Mum paraded around in a wrought iron bikini, and turned your Dad into the incarnation of Sin on Earth, it might leave you slightly mentally fragile too.

Here is that fateful scene re-enacted with ponies

Anyway, it's no big shocker that Yunalesca is actually an evil psychopath too, and after several increasingly ugly mutations, Yuna and the gang give her a good beating. That little squeaky voiced Fayth who pops up all over has a conflab with Yuna and Tidus about what they're going to do now, having killed off their only weapon against Sin. As the latest incarnation of Sin is Jecht, Tidus's Dad, they agree that they'll sing him his favourite hymn to lull him into a false sense of security, then stab him up good and proper.

All they need now is Cid's airship to nip them over to Sin's big ugly mush. Which also provides the opportunity to go back over Spira and tie up all the loose ends, such as that Summoner on Bikanel Island who kept killing me with her Ifrit, the evil ol' wench. I'm coming for you, lady!

Suitably Out of Date News

Haven't played much lately, so instead, I feel inspired to discuss FFXIII. I know, I know, it's not even out yet, which is way off my brief, BUT the particular thing I want to mention has been kicking about on the internet for the best part of a year now, so I think it's a safe subject. And that is the welcome return of SUMMONS!

There's a new face, the incredibly cute (despite the name) Carbuncle, and a couple of old favourites, Ifrit and Shiva. And it's Shiva that really interests me. Ifrit has looked pretty much exactly the same in every game he's appeared in, and Shiva, though undergoing various changes, was always a pretty foxy blue lady. So at what point did
this happen:

How did she go from the flirty dreadlocked goddess of FFX to this bizzarre lovechild of a praying mantis and a Japanese motorcycle? You know who I blame? Michael Bay. Not content with pissing all over one cherished childhood memory, here he is influencing the bastardization of another. Damn you Bay for trying to make robots sexy, damn you to hell.

Dreaming of Zanarkand (A city-sized mindfuck)

After the excellent satisfaction of getting Seymour to flare himself to death (although I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of him yet) Tidus has a funny turn close to the summit of Gagazet Mountain.

The little squeaky Fayth who's been knocking around for a while now drops the metaphysical bombshell that Tidus, his father Jecht and Zanarkand don't actually exist, but are all the dreams of the slumbering Fayth. Paradoxically, they may be the only ones able to wake these God-like beings from their disturbed rest. But will this jeopardise their own existence?

Most people would have been reduced to a quivering wreck after hearing something like that, but Tidus is straight back on his feet and making quips about the enemy. So either Tidus has an iron backbone, or he's really fucking thick.

HEY YOU GUYS!

How did we get here?

38 hours in

My memories of the last ten hours of gameplay are somewhat sketchy. Something about walking under a frozen lake to end up in a desert which quickly became a grassy plain and now we're up in the snowy peaks of Mount Gagazet. I think that's all the usual backdrops utilised.

So anyway. Mount Gagazet. Home of the noble Ronso, big blue lion thingies. I've always had a bit of a thing for lion men. I think Ron Perlman started it as Vincent in Beauty and the Beast. How sexy is he? Unfortunately, in real life he looks like he's trying to swallow a bag of walnuts. Anyway, as a result of my little fixation, I feel rather protective towards little broken horn Kimahri, so when Biran and Yenke come swaggering over, I find myself shouting at the screen; "Yeah, well at least he's not wearing little saggy pants!" and "How can anyone profess to be hard when they're mincing about in a sports bra!" But turns out it's easy enough to duff them up good and proper and they show their respect by leading a performance by the Ronso Male-Voice Choir. Naturally.

Then ol' blue hair is back for another go, with a lame accomplice called Mortis Body who is more of a hindrance than a help in many ways. In fact, he's so easy to defeat, it's easy to forget. It's easy to get cocky. And so, when I get to my next, inevitable meeting with the hairy titted one (some one should tell him the only thing worse than his bizarre Rorschach test chest tattoos is the fact that they're hairy) I'm thinking, 'Piece of piss.'

Only it isn't. And I still haven't beaten him yet, the fey, zombie-inducing shit.

Religious Extremism in FFX

24 hrs in

Who'da thunk it? As if powerful environmental, anti-war messages weren't enough, Squaresoft have only gone and thrown religious debate into the mix. After defeating an Al-Bhed Machina (built like a tank, but taken out by lightning marbles, go figure) Rikku and Wakka take time out for an argument of faith versus secularism. You'd have though that due to their shared misfortune of being named after Ikea product lines, these two would be more tolerant of one another's views, but none of that!

Rikku thinks Wakka's talking a load of airy-fairy twaddle with all this Yevon nonsense. She states her case like Richard Dawkins in a croptop. But Wakka's having none of it. With his spiky hair, ripped physique and attention-grabbing dungarees, he's like one of those punks you meet in rock clubs who seems really cool but turns out to be a straight edge toss bag with a superiority complex. He's a determined Yevon botherer and can't understand why everyone doesn't just convert already.

Afterwards, Tidus attempts to engineer some girl on girl action in a bizarre skidoo-based

Yikes

conversation with Lulu. I quote, verbatim: "So, what do you think of Rikku?" "She's fun to have around." "Is that all?" "Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but sometimes, when she bends over to mix items, I find myself imagining what it would be like to tear those little frilly hotpants off with my teeth." Okay, so they edited that last part out of the actual game, but that's definitely the way that conversation was heading.

And finally, after the protracted walk up to the impressive Macalania temple, we're met with the 'shocking' news that Seymour is actually a Patricidal nutjob intent on enslaving the known world. None of us saw that coming, did we?

Blitzball Wizard

Final Fantasy X - 20 hours in

I feel I owe Ropp an apology. Clearly last time I played I lacked the exceptional Blitzball coaching skills that I have since acquired. Tournament winners, I thank you very much, and with Ropp as one of my top players.

Things turn more serious with Sin attacking the Al-Bhed front-line on the beach. FF once again makes its stand against atomic weapons with a poignant scene of Al-Bhed soldiers shielding their faces as they are disentegrated to dust by Sin's death ray. Just like Weapon in VII, Sin is a metaphor for the horrors we bring upon ourselves through war and eco-damage.

And now to Seymour, another VII throwback, elbowing his way more centrally into the storyline. I don't remember what his deal is, but with the Sephiroth hair-do, creepily soft voice and abs up to his chin, he's got to be the bad guy, right? I don't trust these Guado folks either. Two hundred of them in the village and they've all got the same surname? That's inbreeding if you like. No wonder they've got shovels for hands and multi-coloured hair.

Best. Cosplay. Ever.

Where do I find this stuff?