It is ONNNNNNNNN!

Spent my hard earned cash on a copy of X2 and here I am ready for another jaunt around Spira. I may have only been away for a few weeks, but two years have passed in FF land.

Yuna is now part of a treasure hunting crew called the Gullwings, alongside old faves Rikku, Buddy and Brother, along with the new addition, Paine, some kind of female, albino Vincent Valentine.

Game play is pretty different, taking a Grand Theft Auto mission-based tack, but there's still enough familiar stuff in here for me to let the new ridiculously skimpy outfits slide.

Two new factions have sprung up in Spira, the Youth League, a group of revolutionaries whose leader is rocking the bionic limbs look, and New Yevon, who are basically Old Yevon, but with more diluted principles. Kind of like the Labour Party. It didn't take many missions before I was required to pledge my allegiance to one side or the other. And, much as I hate those crazy old Yevon botherers, I just couldn't bring myself to ally with someone with a name like a Fascist scout group. So I joined Bevelle and as a result, can no longer show my face in Kilika, home of the Youth League Movement.

And of course, what would any FF be without some new villains. And this time, head of evil operations is Leblanc, a lady with no nipples and two lame sidekicks. Logos has an Alan Rickman complex and Ormi is clearly the Magus Sisters' love child as he has a distinctly beetley look.


I should point out that the GTA analogy applies to gameplay only. There are no carjackings or firebombings here. Early missions included helping some undeniably thick musicians get into a lift and then touting tickets for their up and coming show to the indifferent public.

That's more like it.

Familiar faces abound. First a mission to Besaid where there's the opportunity to catch up with Wakka and Lulu, the least pregnant looking pregnant lady ever. Seriously, where's she hiding the kid? If I was Wakka, I'd be concerned she'd been cheating with her moogle.

Later a rather depressing trip to Gagazet Mountain, where poor old Kimhari (and we all know how I feel about Kimhari) is feeling the pressure of his new position as Tribal Leader.

And of course, the face that kickstarts it all? Well, it's Tidus of course, or someone who looks very like him. And the poor fella looks like he's in deep shit, stumbling around in a nuclear weapons facility. Naturally, Yuna has to get to the bottom of what's going on . . .

Back on the Airship

FFX - 52 hours in

The quest through Mt Gagazet is completed, the final temple, that of ancient Summoner, now Fayth (and Yuna's namesake) Yunalesca. Judging by the 'ancient puzzles' in Yunalesca's temple, she was the patron saint of Tetris.

The temple is the gateway to the ruins of Zanarkand, and beyond, the stomping grounds of Yunalesca herself. Along the way, the pyreflies give us glimpses of the past, and an inkling as to why Seymour was such a fucked up mess. If your Mum paraded around in a wrought iron bikini, and turned your Dad into the incarnation of Sin on Earth, it might leave you slightly mentally fragile too.

Here is that fateful scene re-enacted with ponies

Anyway, it's no big shocker that Yunalesca is actually an evil psychopath too, and after several increasingly ugly mutations, Yuna and the gang give her a good beating. That little squeaky voiced Fayth who pops up all over has a conflab with Yuna and Tidus about what they're going to do now, having killed off their only weapon against Sin. As the latest incarnation of Sin is Jecht, Tidus's Dad, they agree that they'll sing him his favourite hymn to lull him into a false sense of security, then stab him up good and proper.

All they need now is Cid's airship to nip them over to Sin's big ugly mush. Which also provides the opportunity to go back over Spira and tie up all the loose ends, such as that Summoner on Bikanel Island who kept killing me with her Ifrit, the evil ol' wench. I'm coming for you, lady!

Dreaming of Zanarkand (A city-sized mindfuck)

After the excellent satisfaction of getting Seymour to flare himself to death (although I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of him yet) Tidus has a funny turn close to the summit of Gagazet Mountain.

The little squeaky Fayth who's been knocking around for a while now drops the metaphysical bombshell that Tidus, his father Jecht and Zanarkand don't actually exist, but are all the dreams of the slumbering Fayth. Paradoxically, they may be the only ones able to wake these God-like beings from their disturbed rest. But will this jeopardise their own existence?

Most people would have been reduced to a quivering wreck after hearing something like that, but Tidus is straight back on his feet and making quips about the enemy. So either Tidus has an iron backbone, or he's really fucking thick.

HEY YOU GUYS!

How did we get here?

38 hours in

My memories of the last ten hours of gameplay are somewhat sketchy. Something about walking under a frozen lake to end up in a desert which quickly became a grassy plain and now we're up in the snowy peaks of Mount Gagazet. I think that's all the usual backdrops utilised.

So anyway. Mount Gagazet. Home of the noble Ronso, big blue lion thingies. I've always had a bit of a thing for lion men. I think Ron Perlman started it as Vincent in Beauty and the Beast. How sexy is he? Unfortunately, in real life he looks like he's trying to swallow a bag of walnuts. Anyway, as a result of my little fixation, I feel rather protective towards little broken horn Kimahri, so when Biran and Yenke come swaggering over, I find myself shouting at the screen; "Yeah, well at least he's not wearing little saggy pants!" and "How can anyone profess to be hard when they're mincing about in a sports bra!" But turns out it's easy enough to duff them up good and proper and they show their respect by leading a performance by the Ronso Male-Voice Choir. Naturally.

Then ol' blue hair is back for another go, with a lame accomplice called Mortis Body who is more of a hindrance than a help in many ways. In fact, he's so easy to defeat, it's easy to forget. It's easy to get cocky. And so, when I get to my next, inevitable meeting with the hairy titted one (some one should tell him the only thing worse than his bizarre Rorschach test chest tattoos is the fact that they're hairy) I'm thinking, 'Piece of piss.'

Only it isn't. And I still haven't beaten him yet, the fey, zombie-inducing shit.