It is ONNNNNNNNN!

Spent my hard earned cash on a copy of X2 and here I am ready for another jaunt around Spira. I may have only been away for a few weeks, but two years have passed in FF land.

Yuna is now part of a treasure hunting crew called the Gullwings, alongside old faves Rikku, Buddy and Brother, along with the new addition, Paine, some kind of female, albino Vincent Valentine.

Game play is pretty different, taking a Grand Theft Auto mission-based tack, but there's still enough familiar stuff in here for me to let the new ridiculously skimpy outfits slide.

Two new factions have sprung up in Spira, the Youth League, a group of revolutionaries whose leader is rocking the bionic limbs look, and New Yevon, who are basically Old Yevon, but with more diluted principles. Kind of like the Labour Party. It didn't take many missions before I was required to pledge my allegiance to one side or the other. And, much as I hate those crazy old Yevon botherers, I just couldn't bring myself to ally with someone with a name like a Fascist scout group. So I joined Bevelle and as a result, can no longer show my face in Kilika, home of the Youth League Movement.

And of course, what would any FF be without some new villains. And this time, head of evil operations is Leblanc, a lady with no nipples and two lame sidekicks. Logos has an Alan Rickman complex and Ormi is clearly the Magus Sisters' love child as he has a distinctly beetley look.


I should point out that the GTA analogy applies to gameplay only. There are no carjackings or firebombings here. Early missions included helping some undeniably thick musicians get into a lift and then touting tickets for their up and coming show to the indifferent public.

That's more like it.

Familiar faces abound. First a mission to Besaid where there's the opportunity to catch up with Wakka and Lulu, the least pregnant looking pregnant lady ever. Seriously, where's she hiding the kid? If I was Wakka, I'd be concerned she'd been cheating with her moogle.

Later a rather depressing trip to Gagazet Mountain, where poor old Kimhari (and we all know how I feel about Kimhari) is feeling the pressure of his new position as Tribal Leader.

And of course, the face that kickstarts it all? Well, it's Tidus of course, or someone who looks very like him. And the poor fella looks like he's in deep shit, stumbling around in a nuclear weapons facility. Naturally, Yuna has to get to the bottom of what's going on . . .

Wipe away a tear . . .

Because, after 82hrs, it's all over.

I'd read a load of internet jibberjabber about how incredibly nails Sin/Jecht are to destroy at the end of the game. One forum monkey noted that 'If you struggled to defeat Omega Weapon, you'd NEVER beat Sin!' Well, I did struggle to beat Omega, but after significant training in the Omega dungeon, and picking up the Magus Sisters and Anima, I bested him. (And was rewarded with a sniff of approval from Auron because apparently paying his voice actor to speak for another scene would just push the budget that bit too far)

So, I started getting antsy as I am wont to do and decided to have a crack at Jecht without further ado.

Jecht is a piece of piss. He may have the giantest giant sword ever to appear in FF (and that's saying a lot) but put the Magus Sisters on his ass and he breaks down like wet tissue. I forget sometimes that the majority of internet users and FF forum posters are 15yr olds who miss out on areas of gameplay like the fact that the more you fight with your Aeons the more badass they become.

So, Jecht is dead, Seymour comes back from the dead for about the millionth time, but this time he really dies, and then it's the ultimate showdown - the grandaddy, the puppet master, Yu Yevon! Only, Yu Yevon is lame, because the Aeons lend their power to the party providing unlimited AutoPhoenix, so it's something of a hollow victory. That said, I wept like someone stole my binky when Auron drifted off as Yuna sent him. And as if that wasn't enough, Tidus had to go and disappear as well! AND all the aeons! Goddammit FF! Why can't you just give me a happy ending?!

Anyway, I wanted to make sure that failing to defeat all the dark aeons had no bearing on the ending (it didn't) so I did an internet search, which turned up a hilarious forum argument:

http://www.the-magicbox.com/forums/showthread.php?t=92

So now I have to give myself carpal tunnel syndrome in both wrists playing Guitar Hero World Tour until I can afford X2. Damn you minimum wage, damn you to hell!

Back on the Airship

FFX - 52 hours in

The quest through Mt Gagazet is completed, the final temple, that of ancient Summoner, now Fayth (and Yuna's namesake) Yunalesca. Judging by the 'ancient puzzles' in Yunalesca's temple, she was the patron saint of Tetris.

The temple is the gateway to the ruins of Zanarkand, and beyond, the stomping grounds of Yunalesca herself. Along the way, the pyreflies give us glimpses of the past, and an inkling as to why Seymour was such a fucked up mess. If your Mum paraded around in a wrought iron bikini, and turned your Dad into the incarnation of Sin on Earth, it might leave you slightly mentally fragile too.

Here is that fateful scene re-enacted with ponies

Anyway, it's no big shocker that Yunalesca is actually an evil psychopath too, and after several increasingly ugly mutations, Yuna and the gang give her a good beating. That little squeaky voiced Fayth who pops up all over has a conflab with Yuna and Tidus about what they're going to do now, having killed off their only weapon against Sin. As the latest incarnation of Sin is Jecht, Tidus's Dad, they agree that they'll sing him his favourite hymn to lull him into a false sense of security, then stab him up good and proper.

All they need now is Cid's airship to nip them over to Sin's big ugly mush. Which also provides the opportunity to go back over Spira and tie up all the loose ends, such as that Summoner on Bikanel Island who kept killing me with her Ifrit, the evil ol' wench. I'm coming for you, lady!

Dreaming of Zanarkand (A city-sized mindfuck)

After the excellent satisfaction of getting Seymour to flare himself to death (although I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of him yet) Tidus has a funny turn close to the summit of Gagazet Mountain.

The little squeaky Fayth who's been knocking around for a while now drops the metaphysical bombshell that Tidus, his father Jecht and Zanarkand don't actually exist, but are all the dreams of the slumbering Fayth. Paradoxically, they may be the only ones able to wake these God-like beings from their disturbed rest. But will this jeopardise their own existence?

Most people would have been reduced to a quivering wreck after hearing something like that, but Tidus is straight back on his feet and making quips about the enemy. So either Tidus has an iron backbone, or he's really fucking thick.

HEY YOU GUYS!

Religious Extremism in FFX

24 hrs in

Who'da thunk it? As if powerful environmental, anti-war messages weren't enough, Squaresoft have only gone and thrown religious debate into the mix. After defeating an Al-Bhed Machina (built like a tank, but taken out by lightning marbles, go figure) Rikku and Wakka take time out for an argument of faith versus secularism. You'd have though that due to their shared misfortune of being named after Ikea product lines, these two would be more tolerant of one another's views, but none of that!

Rikku thinks Wakka's talking a load of airy-fairy twaddle with all this Yevon nonsense. She states her case like Richard Dawkins in a croptop. But Wakka's having none of it. With his spiky hair, ripped physique and attention-grabbing dungarees, he's like one of those punks you meet in rock clubs who seems really cool but turns out to be a straight edge toss bag with a superiority complex. He's a determined Yevon botherer and can't understand why everyone doesn't just convert already.

Afterwards, Tidus attempts to engineer some girl on girl action in a bizarre skidoo-based

Yikes

conversation with Lulu. I quote, verbatim: "So, what do you think of Rikku?" "She's fun to have around." "Is that all?" "Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but sometimes, when she bends over to mix items, I find myself imagining what it would be like to tear those little frilly hotpants off with my teeth." Okay, so they edited that last part out of the actual game, but that's definitely the way that conversation was heading.

And finally, after the protracted walk up to the impressive Macalania temple, we're met with the 'shocking' news that Seymour is actually a Patricidal nutjob intent on enslaving the known world. None of us saw that coming, did we?

Final Fantasy X - 14 hours in

Ah, Tidus, the prepubescent Aryan posterboy we've come to expect from the FF franchise and you're no exception with your terrifyingly defined pecs, oddly tailored clothes and gravity-defying hair. After playing for just over a week, the game play counter informs me I have played for fourteen hours. I refuse to believe it. I don't have that much down time during the week, let alone to fritter away on games. I'm a casual gamer, casual, so it can't possibly be fourteen hours.

Anyway, within the first few I was all misty eyed, basking in the glory of Squaresoft's incredible production values which, in the cut scenes at least, still hold up seven years after UK release. Okay, so the motion capture now looks pretty shonky, with Tidus's flailing arms making him seem like he's valiantly battling a stroke every time he tries to emote, but the image of the Blitzball sphere slowly filling with water is a beautiful one that would shame the visual effects of many a current hollywood blockbuster.

Speaking of crap emoting, I had looked back on this game with rose-tinted spectacles, thinking it a shining beacon of decent voice acting in a medium usually mired in. stilted. speech. But I had forgotten about the staggeringly bad Kirk-like inflections employed by Yuna. I IMBD'd the voice artist, Hedy Burress. Oddly enough, she's never been in anything that wasn't shit.

I had also forgotten that FFX was created in a different time, a simpler time before women were employed in the game industry. A time when it was perfectly okay for one character to be little more than a pair of breasts that do magic. Why not go the whole hog with Lulu's victory move and have her squeeze them together and give the nips a quick lick?


Ah, and I also made a mistake that I remember making when I played this originally (I borrowed it from a friend in 2003 - I didn't buy it, it's within the rules!) and hired Ropp for Blitzball even though he's as much use as a sack of spanners would be in a watery environment.
Also got over excited in the battle with Belgamene and thought 'Nah, my Valefor can do her Ifrit no problem' and got filled in. Again.

But I'm old school, I don't go back to the last save and start again. I just think 'I'll remember that next time I replay . . ."

Acknowledgements