X2 goes X-Rated

Just when I thought this game couldn't get any more squarely aimed at adolescent boys, I found Yuna and Rikku's Special Garment Spheres. Trying them out for the first time nearly got me killed, because I was so stunned by the scenes of full frontal (albeit nipple and vagina-less) nudity, the ATB mode kept running right on without me.

I'm looking forwards to finding Paine's now too to see whether she fellates her sword or if they all join forces to oil each other up and pole dance to victory. Squaresoft, c'mon!

Erm... Yeah...

It is ONNNNNNNNN!

Spent my hard earned cash on a copy of X2 and here I am ready for another jaunt around Spira. I may have only been away for a few weeks, but two years have passed in FF land.

Yuna is now part of a treasure hunting crew called the Gullwings, alongside old faves Rikku, Buddy and Brother, along with the new addition, Paine, some kind of female, albino Vincent Valentine.

Game play is pretty different, taking a Grand Theft Auto mission-based tack, but there's still enough familiar stuff in here for me to let the new ridiculously skimpy outfits slide.

Two new factions have sprung up in Spira, the Youth League, a group of revolutionaries whose leader is rocking the bionic limbs look, and New Yevon, who are basically Old Yevon, but with more diluted principles. Kind of like the Labour Party. It didn't take many missions before I was required to pledge my allegiance to one side or the other. And, much as I hate those crazy old Yevon botherers, I just couldn't bring myself to ally with someone with a name like a Fascist scout group. So I joined Bevelle and as a result, can no longer show my face in Kilika, home of the Youth League Movement.

And of course, what would any FF be without some new villains. And this time, head of evil operations is Leblanc, a lady with no nipples and two lame sidekicks. Logos has an Alan Rickman complex and Ormi is clearly the Magus Sisters' love child as he has a distinctly beetley look.


I should point out that the GTA analogy applies to gameplay only. There are no carjackings or firebombings here. Early missions included helping some undeniably thick musicians get into a lift and then touting tickets for their up and coming show to the indifferent public.

That's more like it.

Familiar faces abound. First a mission to Besaid where there's the opportunity to catch up with Wakka and Lulu, the least pregnant looking pregnant lady ever. Seriously, where's she hiding the kid? If I was Wakka, I'd be concerned she'd been cheating with her moogle.

Later a rather depressing trip to Gagazet Mountain, where poor old Kimhari (and we all know how I feel about Kimhari) is feeling the pressure of his new position as Tribal Leader.

And of course, the face that kickstarts it all? Well, it's Tidus of course, or someone who looks very like him. And the poor fella looks like he's in deep shit, stumbling around in a nuclear weapons facility. Naturally, Yuna has to get to the bottom of what's going on . . .

Religious Extremism in FFX

24 hrs in

Who'da thunk it? As if powerful environmental, anti-war messages weren't enough, Squaresoft have only gone and thrown religious debate into the mix. After defeating an Al-Bhed Machina (built like a tank, but taken out by lightning marbles, go figure) Rikku and Wakka take time out for an argument of faith versus secularism. You'd have though that due to their shared misfortune of being named after Ikea product lines, these two would be more tolerant of one another's views, but none of that!

Rikku thinks Wakka's talking a load of airy-fairy twaddle with all this Yevon nonsense. She states her case like Richard Dawkins in a croptop. But Wakka's having none of it. With his spiky hair, ripped physique and attention-grabbing dungarees, he's like one of those punks you meet in rock clubs who seems really cool but turns out to be a straight edge toss bag with a superiority complex. He's a determined Yevon botherer and can't understand why everyone doesn't just convert already.

Afterwards, Tidus attempts to engineer some girl on girl action in a bizarre skidoo-based

Yikes

conversation with Lulu. I quote, verbatim: "So, what do you think of Rikku?" "She's fun to have around." "Is that all?" "Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but sometimes, when she bends over to mix items, I find myself imagining what it would be like to tear those little frilly hotpants off with my teeth." Okay, so they edited that last part out of the actual game, but that's definitely the way that conversation was heading.

And finally, after the protracted walk up to the impressive Macalania temple, we're met with the 'shocking' news that Seymour is actually a Patricidal nutjob intent on enslaving the known world. None of us saw that coming, did we?