How did we get here?

38 hours in

My memories of the last ten hours of gameplay are somewhat sketchy. Something about walking under a frozen lake to end up in a desert which quickly became a grassy plain and now we're up in the snowy peaks of Mount Gagazet. I think that's all the usual backdrops utilised.

So anyway. Mount Gagazet. Home of the noble Ronso, big blue lion thingies. I've always had a bit of a thing for lion men. I think Ron Perlman started it as Vincent in Beauty and the Beast. How sexy is he? Unfortunately, in real life he looks like he's trying to swallow a bag of walnuts. Anyway, as a result of my little fixation, I feel rather protective towards little broken horn Kimahri, so when Biran and Yenke come swaggering over, I find myself shouting at the screen; "Yeah, well at least he's not wearing little saggy pants!" and "How can anyone profess to be hard when they're mincing about in a sports bra!" But turns out it's easy enough to duff them up good and proper and they show their respect by leading a performance by the Ronso Male-Voice Choir. Naturally.

Then ol' blue hair is back for another go, with a lame accomplice called Mortis Body who is more of a hindrance than a help in many ways. In fact, he's so easy to defeat, it's easy to forget. It's easy to get cocky. And so, when I get to my next, inevitable meeting with the hairy titted one (some one should tell him the only thing worse than his bizarre Rorschach test chest tattoos is the fact that they're hairy) I'm thinking, 'Piece of piss.'

Only it isn't. And I still haven't beaten him yet, the fey, zombie-inducing shit.

Religious Extremism in FFX

24 hrs in

Who'da thunk it? As if powerful environmental, anti-war messages weren't enough, Squaresoft have only gone and thrown religious debate into the mix. After defeating an Al-Bhed Machina (built like a tank, but taken out by lightning marbles, go figure) Rikku and Wakka take time out for an argument of faith versus secularism. You'd have though that due to their shared misfortune of being named after Ikea product lines, these two would be more tolerant of one another's views, but none of that!

Rikku thinks Wakka's talking a load of airy-fairy twaddle with all this Yevon nonsense. She states her case like Richard Dawkins in a croptop. But Wakka's having none of it. With his spiky hair, ripped physique and attention-grabbing dungarees, he's like one of those punks you meet in rock clubs who seems really cool but turns out to be a straight edge toss bag with a superiority complex. He's a determined Yevon botherer and can't understand why everyone doesn't just convert already.

Afterwards, Tidus attempts to engineer some girl on girl action in a bizarre skidoo-based

Yikes

conversation with Lulu. I quote, verbatim: "So, what do you think of Rikku?" "She's fun to have around." "Is that all?" "Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but sometimes, when she bends over to mix items, I find myself imagining what it would be like to tear those little frilly hotpants off with my teeth." Okay, so they edited that last part out of the actual game, but that's definitely the way that conversation was heading.

And finally, after the protracted walk up to the impressive Macalania temple, we're met with the 'shocking' news that Seymour is actually a Patricidal nutjob intent on enslaving the known world. None of us saw that coming, did we?

Blitzball Wizard

Final Fantasy X - 20 hours in

I feel I owe Ropp an apology. Clearly last time I played I lacked the exceptional Blitzball coaching skills that I have since acquired. Tournament winners, I thank you very much, and with Ropp as one of my top players.

Things turn more serious with Sin attacking the Al-Bhed front-line on the beach. FF once again makes its stand against atomic weapons with a poignant scene of Al-Bhed soldiers shielding their faces as they are disentegrated to dust by Sin's death ray. Just like Weapon in VII, Sin is a metaphor for the horrors we bring upon ourselves through war and eco-damage.

And now to Seymour, another VII throwback, elbowing his way more centrally into the storyline. I don't remember what his deal is, but with the Sephiroth hair-do, creepily soft voice and abs up to his chin, he's got to be the bad guy, right? I don't trust these Guado folks either. Two hundred of them in the village and they've all got the same surname? That's inbreeding if you like. No wonder they've got shovels for hands and multi-coloured hair.

Best. Cosplay. Ever.

Where do I find this stuff?

Final Fantasy X - 14 hours in

Ah, Tidus, the prepubescent Aryan posterboy we've come to expect from the FF franchise and you're no exception with your terrifyingly defined pecs, oddly tailored clothes and gravity-defying hair. After playing for just over a week, the game play counter informs me I have played for fourteen hours. I refuse to believe it. I don't have that much down time during the week, let alone to fritter away on games. I'm a casual gamer, casual, so it can't possibly be fourteen hours.

Anyway, within the first few I was all misty eyed, basking in the glory of Squaresoft's incredible production values which, in the cut scenes at least, still hold up seven years after UK release. Okay, so the motion capture now looks pretty shonky, with Tidus's flailing arms making him seem like he's valiantly battling a stroke every time he tries to emote, but the image of the Blitzball sphere slowly filling with water is a beautiful one that would shame the visual effects of many a current hollywood blockbuster.

Speaking of crap emoting, I had looked back on this game with rose-tinted spectacles, thinking it a shining beacon of decent voice acting in a medium usually mired in. stilted. speech. But I had forgotten about the staggeringly bad Kirk-like inflections employed by Yuna. I IMBD'd the voice artist, Hedy Burress. Oddly enough, she's never been in anything that wasn't shit.

I had also forgotten that FFX was created in a different time, a simpler time before women were employed in the game industry. A time when it was perfectly okay for one character to be little more than a pair of breasts that do magic. Why not go the whole hog with Lulu's victory move and have her squeeze them together and give the nips a quick lick?


Ah, and I also made a mistake that I remember making when I played this originally (I borrowed it from a friend in 2003 - I didn't buy it, it's within the rules!) and hired Ropp for Blitzball even though he's as much use as a sack of spanners would be in a watery environment.
Also got over excited in the battle with Belgamene and thought 'Nah, my Valefor can do her Ifrit no problem' and got filled in. Again.

But I'm old school, I don't go back to the last save and start again. I just think 'I'll remember that next time I replay . . ."

Acknowledgements