Still Not Feeling It (well, not that, anyway)

Don't get me wrong, the sepia toned ending was all very nice, and I enjoyed the Broken Steel add-on very much, but I still kind of felt like shrugging at the end of Fallout 3. I'm still playing, exploring the huge world Bethesda has created but that's less about the story and more about Fawkes.

As you know, I have a bit of a thing for animalistic humanoids, so from the moment he asked me to break him out of Vault 87, I knew me and Fawkes were going to get along great. And we do. He's always got my back. Whether it's fighting Deathclaws in Old Olney or Nukalurks in the Nuka Cola Factory, Fawkes is there with his gatling laser, blowing the shit out of everything and laughing like a loon. Unlike Mrs Hoity Toity useless bitch Paladin Star Cross, who constantly blundered into my line of fire then griped when I accidentally shot her in the back, Fawkes positions himself with greater care and just grunts when I accidentally catch him in the blast of a plasma grenade.

Forget saving up enough money to hire Charon. I'm so over him.

Undead Mega Douche

Most fun apocalypse ever!

I'm a big fan of Bethesda's work anyway, having frittered away many hours playing Morrowind and its multiple addons, so I was pleased to see their name on Fallout 3. Fallout 3 is fun, interesting, varied and thought-provoking with lots of nice little details and plenty of longevity and playability.

Having said all that, I'm not really sure it deserved game of the year. As polished, detailed and realistic as all the landscapes are, there are still A LOT of glitches. Creeping around in the DC subway system, every time I turned a corner, my head disappeared disconcertingly into the wall. In areas with a lot of sound and texture going on such as the dense and dripping underground caverns of Hamilton's Hideaway, there's a significant drop in frame rate, giving a strobing effect that's irritating and unpleasant.

NPC AI is fantastic. I found myself hiding behind walls just to listen to conversations between supermutants. "I remember a woman. Or perhaps being a woman, I don't know. It bothers me." "What are you some kind of human?" "No, I just-" "Stop saying these things! You make me sick! Get back to work!" But some of the text based conversations with villagers and key characters are overwhelmingly tedious, going round and round in circles clicking through pages of dialogue until they eventually say something useful or interesting.

The Pip Boy is a welcome alternative to Morrowind's journal, feeling far more realistic and intuitive. My life is literally on my Pip Boy. VATS is an entertaining way to kill enemies, but general firing is pretty difficult. Maybe my character is just shit, but she doesn't seem to shoot in the direction of the targeting icon, even when the enemy is two feet away and the icon is flashing red to indicate they're in range.

Game of the Year is a big title. To me, that says that this is THE BEST game of the year, in every category. The best designed, the best executed, the best to play. And while Fallout 3 is excellent in all these areas, it still doesn't quite get my vote. Morrowind, also a former game of the year, seemed like a worthy winner. Maybe that made me set my expectations too high. But it just feels to me like Bethesda hasn't moved on quite enough from the template Morrowind created.

Who knows, maybe the game's ending will blow me away so much, I'll change my mind. I'll let you know when I get there.

X2 goes X-Rated

Just when I thought this game couldn't get any more squarely aimed at adolescent boys, I found Yuna and Rikku's Special Garment Spheres. Trying them out for the first time nearly got me killed, because I was so stunned by the scenes of full frontal (albeit nipple and vagina-less) nudity, the ATB mode kept running right on without me.

I'm looking forwards to finding Paine's now too to see whether she fellates her sword or if they all join forces to oil each other up and pole dance to victory. Squaresoft, c'mon!

Erm... Yeah...

It is ONNNNNNNNN!

Spent my hard earned cash on a copy of X2 and here I am ready for another jaunt around Spira. I may have only been away for a few weeks, but two years have passed in FF land.

Yuna is now part of a treasure hunting crew called the Gullwings, alongside old faves Rikku, Buddy and Brother, along with the new addition, Paine, some kind of female, albino Vincent Valentine.

Game play is pretty different, taking a Grand Theft Auto mission-based tack, but there's still enough familiar stuff in here for me to let the new ridiculously skimpy outfits slide.

Two new factions have sprung up in Spira, the Youth League, a group of revolutionaries whose leader is rocking the bionic limbs look, and New Yevon, who are basically Old Yevon, but with more diluted principles. Kind of like the Labour Party. It didn't take many missions before I was required to pledge my allegiance to one side or the other. And, much as I hate those crazy old Yevon botherers, I just couldn't bring myself to ally with someone with a name like a Fascist scout group. So I joined Bevelle and as a result, can no longer show my face in Kilika, home of the Youth League Movement.

And of course, what would any FF be without some new villains. And this time, head of evil operations is Leblanc, a lady with no nipples and two lame sidekicks. Logos has an Alan Rickman complex and Ormi is clearly the Magus Sisters' love child as he has a distinctly beetley look.


I should point out that the GTA analogy applies to gameplay only. There are no carjackings or firebombings here. Early missions included helping some undeniably thick musicians get into a lift and then touting tickets for their up and coming show to the indifferent public.

That's more like it.

Familiar faces abound. First a mission to Besaid where there's the opportunity to catch up with Wakka and Lulu, the least pregnant looking pregnant lady ever. Seriously, where's she hiding the kid? If I was Wakka, I'd be concerned she'd been cheating with her moogle.

Later a rather depressing trip to Gagazet Mountain, where poor old Kimhari (and we all know how I feel about Kimhari) is feeling the pressure of his new position as Tribal Leader.

And of course, the face that kickstarts it all? Well, it's Tidus of course, or someone who looks very like him. And the poor fella looks like he's in deep shit, stumbling around in a nuclear weapons facility. Naturally, Yuna has to get to the bottom of what's going on . . .

Wipe away a tear . . .

Because, after 82hrs, it's all over.

I'd read a load of internet jibberjabber about how incredibly nails Sin/Jecht are to destroy at the end of the game. One forum monkey noted that 'If you struggled to defeat Omega Weapon, you'd NEVER beat Sin!' Well, I did struggle to beat Omega, but after significant training in the Omega dungeon, and picking up the Magus Sisters and Anima, I bested him. (And was rewarded with a sniff of approval from Auron because apparently paying his voice actor to speak for another scene would just push the budget that bit too far)

So, I started getting antsy as I am wont to do and decided to have a crack at Jecht without further ado.

Jecht is a piece of piss. He may have the giantest giant sword ever to appear in FF (and that's saying a lot) but put the Magus Sisters on his ass and he breaks down like wet tissue. I forget sometimes that the majority of internet users and FF forum posters are 15yr olds who miss out on areas of gameplay like the fact that the more you fight with your Aeons the more badass they become.

So, Jecht is dead, Seymour comes back from the dead for about the millionth time, but this time he really dies, and then it's the ultimate showdown - the grandaddy, the puppet master, Yu Yevon! Only, Yu Yevon is lame, because the Aeons lend their power to the party providing unlimited AutoPhoenix, so it's something of a hollow victory. That said, I wept like someone stole my binky when Auron drifted off as Yuna sent him. And as if that wasn't enough, Tidus had to go and disappear as well! AND all the aeons! Goddammit FF! Why can't you just give me a happy ending?!

Anyway, I wanted to make sure that failing to defeat all the dark aeons had no bearing on the ending (it didn't) so I did an internet search, which turned up a hilarious forum argument:

http://www.the-magicbox.com/forums/showthread.php?t=92

So now I have to give myself carpal tunnel syndrome in both wrists playing Guitar Hero World Tour until I can afford X2. Damn you minimum wage, damn you to hell!

I just couldn't help myself

I always say I will NOT use any game walkthroughs, cheat sheets or other interweb resources whenever I start a game and once I get to around the 70hrs of gameplay mark (as I have now) the void of stuff I'm missing starts to nag at me. It's worst when I find something by accident - stumbling across the first few cactuars for example. Then after searching Sanubia Desert for three hours to no avail, and even though I have the Baroque Sword with no encounters so I don't have to waste my time with any more fucking pathetic Alcyones I just can't bring myself to spend another second combing the blinding sands.

And a little voice starts saying; 'Look, it's not really CHEATING. You still have to actually do the game. It's just a time saving device.' And whereas to start with, I would have responded; 'No! That will result in a hollow and meaningless victory!' now I'm just thinking; "Yup, let's fire up Google."

What can I say? I'm weak.

Back on the Airship

FFX - 52 hours in

The quest through Mt Gagazet is completed, the final temple, that of ancient Summoner, now Fayth (and Yuna's namesake) Yunalesca. Judging by the 'ancient puzzles' in Yunalesca's temple, she was the patron saint of Tetris.

The temple is the gateway to the ruins of Zanarkand, and beyond, the stomping grounds of Yunalesca herself. Along the way, the pyreflies give us glimpses of the past, and an inkling as to why Seymour was such a fucked up mess. If your Mum paraded around in a wrought iron bikini, and turned your Dad into the incarnation of Sin on Earth, it might leave you slightly mentally fragile too.

Here is that fateful scene re-enacted with ponies

Anyway, it's no big shocker that Yunalesca is actually an evil psychopath too, and after several increasingly ugly mutations, Yuna and the gang give her a good beating. That little squeaky voiced Fayth who pops up all over has a conflab with Yuna and Tidus about what they're going to do now, having killed off their only weapon against Sin. As the latest incarnation of Sin is Jecht, Tidus's Dad, they agree that they'll sing him his favourite hymn to lull him into a false sense of security, then stab him up good and proper.

All they need now is Cid's airship to nip them over to Sin's big ugly mush. Which also provides the opportunity to go back over Spira and tie up all the loose ends, such as that Summoner on Bikanel Island who kept killing me with her Ifrit, the evil ol' wench. I'm coming for you, lady!

Suitably Out of Date News

Haven't played much lately, so instead, I feel inspired to discuss FFXIII. I know, I know, it's not even out yet, which is way off my brief, BUT the particular thing I want to mention has been kicking about on the internet for the best part of a year now, so I think it's a safe subject. And that is the welcome return of SUMMONS!

There's a new face, the incredibly cute (despite the name) Carbuncle, and a couple of old favourites, Ifrit and Shiva. And it's Shiva that really interests me. Ifrit has looked pretty much exactly the same in every game he's appeared in, and Shiva, though undergoing various changes, was always a pretty foxy blue lady. So at what point did
this happen:

How did she go from the flirty dreadlocked goddess of FFX to this bizzarre lovechild of a praying mantis and a Japanese motorcycle? You know who I blame? Michael Bay. Not content with pissing all over one cherished childhood memory, here he is influencing the bastardization of another. Damn you Bay for trying to make robots sexy, damn you to hell.

Dreaming of Zanarkand (A city-sized mindfuck)

After the excellent satisfaction of getting Seymour to flare himself to death (although I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of him yet) Tidus has a funny turn close to the summit of Gagazet Mountain.

The little squeaky Fayth who's been knocking around for a while now drops the metaphysical bombshell that Tidus, his father Jecht and Zanarkand don't actually exist, but are all the dreams of the slumbering Fayth. Paradoxically, they may be the only ones able to wake these God-like beings from their disturbed rest. But will this jeopardise their own existence?

Most people would have been reduced to a quivering wreck after hearing something like that, but Tidus is straight back on his feet and making quips about the enemy. So either Tidus has an iron backbone, or he's really fucking thick.

HEY YOU GUYS!

How did we get here?

38 hours in

My memories of the last ten hours of gameplay are somewhat sketchy. Something about walking under a frozen lake to end up in a desert which quickly became a grassy plain and now we're up in the snowy peaks of Mount Gagazet. I think that's all the usual backdrops utilised.

So anyway. Mount Gagazet. Home of the noble Ronso, big blue lion thingies. I've always had a bit of a thing for lion men. I think Ron Perlman started it as Vincent in Beauty and the Beast. How sexy is he? Unfortunately, in real life he looks like he's trying to swallow a bag of walnuts. Anyway, as a result of my little fixation, I feel rather protective towards little broken horn Kimahri, so when Biran and Yenke come swaggering over, I find myself shouting at the screen; "Yeah, well at least he's not wearing little saggy pants!" and "How can anyone profess to be hard when they're mincing about in a sports bra!" But turns out it's easy enough to duff them up good and proper and they show their respect by leading a performance by the Ronso Male-Voice Choir. Naturally.

Then ol' blue hair is back for another go, with a lame accomplice called Mortis Body who is more of a hindrance than a help in many ways. In fact, he's so easy to defeat, it's easy to forget. It's easy to get cocky. And so, when I get to my next, inevitable meeting with the hairy titted one (some one should tell him the only thing worse than his bizarre Rorschach test chest tattoos is the fact that they're hairy) I'm thinking, 'Piece of piss.'

Only it isn't. And I still haven't beaten him yet, the fey, zombie-inducing shit.

Religious Extremism in FFX

24 hrs in

Who'da thunk it? As if powerful environmental, anti-war messages weren't enough, Squaresoft have only gone and thrown religious debate into the mix. After defeating an Al-Bhed Machina (built like a tank, but taken out by lightning marbles, go figure) Rikku and Wakka take time out for an argument of faith versus secularism. You'd have though that due to their shared misfortune of being named after Ikea product lines, these two would be more tolerant of one another's views, but none of that!

Rikku thinks Wakka's talking a load of airy-fairy twaddle with all this Yevon nonsense. She states her case like Richard Dawkins in a croptop. But Wakka's having none of it. With his spiky hair, ripped physique and attention-grabbing dungarees, he's like one of those punks you meet in rock clubs who seems really cool but turns out to be a straight edge toss bag with a superiority complex. He's a determined Yevon botherer and can't understand why everyone doesn't just convert already.

Afterwards, Tidus attempts to engineer some girl on girl action in a bizarre skidoo-based

Yikes

conversation with Lulu. I quote, verbatim: "So, what do you think of Rikku?" "She's fun to have around." "Is that all?" "Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but sometimes, when she bends over to mix items, I find myself imagining what it would be like to tear those little frilly hotpants off with my teeth." Okay, so they edited that last part out of the actual game, but that's definitely the way that conversation was heading.

And finally, after the protracted walk up to the impressive Macalania temple, we're met with the 'shocking' news that Seymour is actually a Patricidal nutjob intent on enslaving the known world. None of us saw that coming, did we?

Blitzball Wizard

Final Fantasy X - 20 hours in

I feel I owe Ropp an apology. Clearly last time I played I lacked the exceptional Blitzball coaching skills that I have since acquired. Tournament winners, I thank you very much, and with Ropp as one of my top players.

Things turn more serious with Sin attacking the Al-Bhed front-line on the beach. FF once again makes its stand against atomic weapons with a poignant scene of Al-Bhed soldiers shielding their faces as they are disentegrated to dust by Sin's death ray. Just like Weapon in VII, Sin is a metaphor for the horrors we bring upon ourselves through war and eco-damage.

And now to Seymour, another VII throwback, elbowing his way more centrally into the storyline. I don't remember what his deal is, but with the Sephiroth hair-do, creepily soft voice and abs up to his chin, he's got to be the bad guy, right? I don't trust these Guado folks either. Two hundred of them in the village and they've all got the same surname? That's inbreeding if you like. No wonder they've got shovels for hands and multi-coloured hair.

Best. Cosplay. Ever.

Where do I find this stuff?

Final Fantasy X - 14 hours in

Ah, Tidus, the prepubescent Aryan posterboy we've come to expect from the FF franchise and you're no exception with your terrifyingly defined pecs, oddly tailored clothes and gravity-defying hair. After playing for just over a week, the game play counter informs me I have played for fourteen hours. I refuse to believe it. I don't have that much down time during the week, let alone to fritter away on games. I'm a casual gamer, casual, so it can't possibly be fourteen hours.

Anyway, within the first few I was all misty eyed, basking in the glory of Squaresoft's incredible production values which, in the cut scenes at least, still hold up seven years after UK release. Okay, so the motion capture now looks pretty shonky, with Tidus's flailing arms making him seem like he's valiantly battling a stroke every time he tries to emote, but the image of the Blitzball sphere slowly filling with water is a beautiful one that would shame the visual effects of many a current hollywood blockbuster.

Speaking of crap emoting, I had looked back on this game with rose-tinted spectacles, thinking it a shining beacon of decent voice acting in a medium usually mired in. stilted. speech. But I had forgotten about the staggeringly bad Kirk-like inflections employed by Yuna. I IMBD'd the voice artist, Hedy Burress. Oddly enough, she's never been in anything that wasn't shit.

I had also forgotten that FFX was created in a different time, a simpler time before women were employed in the game industry. A time when it was perfectly okay for one character to be little more than a pair of breasts that do magic. Why not go the whole hog with Lulu's victory move and have her squeeze them together and give the nips a quick lick?


Ah, and I also made a mistake that I remember making when I played this originally (I borrowed it from a friend in 2003 - I didn't buy it, it's within the rules!) and hired Ropp for Blitzball even though he's as much use as a sack of spanners would be in a watery environment.
Also got over excited in the battle with Belgamene and thought 'Nah, my Valefor can do her Ifrit no problem' and got filled in. Again.

But I'm old school, I don't go back to the last save and start again. I just think 'I'll remember that next time I replay . . ."

Acknowledgements