Are We Nearly There Yet?

Three years I waited for FFXIII after completing FFXII. Three long years. Final Fantasy is one of the few franchises I'll break my 'never-buy-on-release-day' rule for. So when Edge got a preview, I rushed out to buy their hands-on review...

I couldn't believe it. It must just be some new reviewer trying to make a name for himself, I told myself. Their online critic was even harsher. I told myself they were wrong. I told myself that inspite of my earlier misgivings, Square Enix just wouldn't do that! So I went and bought and the game at launch and, as they usually are in the vast majority of their reviews...

 

FFXIII breaks so many rules of games and storytelling, I'm frankly astounded it got a sequel. I've been replaying it for the purposes of this blog (I would never have touched the thing again otherwise) and keep thinking that the three years I spent waiting for a new FF game didn't seem as long as the linear 'opening' section of the game itself. 25 hours! 25 hours until you can stop being shunted along through the dreadful storyline with all the usual emo dickweeds and actually do what you want. Although seeing as there are no towns and only one extremely long and tedious side quest, it doesn't really seem like much of a relief . All the most interesting parts of the story happen offscreen, so we're instead treated to lots of cutscenes of Lightning's only expression (brooding) or Hope's wide tear-tearfilled eyes as he tries to come to terms with the death of his mother or the seperation from his dad or his friend's debilitating case of I-don't-give-a-fuck. 

The Many Faces of Lightning, The Kristen Stewart of the Gaming World

Another thing about Lightning that makes me very uncomfortable is how thin she is. At least she doesn't have ridiculous balloon breasts with a life of their own (although bit part player Jihl Nabaat has that covered anyway>) but something about her skinniness really nagsat me. I think it's because she's a soldier. Her wetter-than-a-tissue-paper-diving-suit sister Serah is equally skinny, but why wouldn't she be? She farts around in lacy stockings and clearly has daddy issues. But Lightning's supposed to be some bladegun-toting badass with military training and L'Cie special moves. She shouldn't look like she lives off salads and coffee fumes. 

Having said all of that, I am at least finding it playable this time around, as I now have sufficient understanding of the crystarium and paradigms to not have to go through the deplorably dull tutorials. Maybe I'll even make it to the end this time. Maybe the end will be so revelatory and glorious, I'll be compelled to rush out and buy part two and spend even more time with Lightning's miserable fizzog. Who can say?

It's been a while...

...so, what's happened during my long hiatus? Well, I joined the games industry, left the games industry and now just have a toe in it. And what better way to celebrate my triumphant return to this blog than the...

4 Worst Horses in Games

1. Agro in Shadow of the Colossus

I know there's a lot of love out there for Agro. He's your only friend in a harsh landscape populated with huge creatures. But my complaint doesn't really lie with Agro himself. It's not his fault he looks like that. It's the fault of a development team that spent many hours creating expansive vistas and mind-blowing bosses, but couldn't spend fifteen fucking minutes to check which way a horse's knee bends. Don't even get me started on when he's galloping around and all four limbs become jointless noodley appendages. If a vet saw him flailing about like that he'd have him shot in the face on the spot.

2. Any Horse in Skyrim

Skyrim horses on the other hand, look all right. They're not going to win any Best in Show rosettes, but their legs work. They're just total dicks. Sure footed to the point of ridiculousness when you're just messing around, as soon as you actually need them to not fall off a cliff and plummet to their doom, that's the first thing they do. They're also aggressive nutters, leaping out to take on armed bandits and dragons while you're hiding in a bush trying to snipe them quietly from a distance. Idiots.

 

 

 

 

3. 'Stealth' Horses in Metal Gear Solid 5

Another logistical nightmare. Anyone who's ever ridden a horse knows they are creatures incapable of stealth. When they're not freaking out because the bush they've walked past a hundred times before is terrifying today, they're farting loudly and unashamedly. And I know that's not really the point in MGS5, but even taking into account that the horse itself isn't supposed to be the stealthiest, Snake's enemies must be monumentally thick to think nothing of a horse strolling past them in full tack keeping one side completely hidden from their view. Y'know, like horses do.

4. Jade's Horse in Pippa Funnell: Take the Reins

That's it, don't acknowledge my presence in any way, just how I like it

My husband bought me this game as a hilarious joke. Cos I like games and I like horses and I'm not opposed to Pippa Funnell, so obviously it was the 'ideal' present. The problem with Jade's horse is he demonstrates all the traits that are likely to put people off owning horses. He's disobedient, slow to react to aids, plunges into or refuses jumps, misbehaves in the dressage arena and requires constant, repetitive patting, grooming and mucking out, which he accepts woodenly with no discernible signs of appreciation. Or maybe I just wasn't very good at the game.