5 Inevitabilities of XCOM

I don't remember eating that

With XCOM: Enemy Within due to launch in November and The Bureau: XCOM Declassified looking like an embarrassing, poorly conceived mess, I thought it was about time I dusted off XCOM: Enemy Unknown for another round of heavy floater flushing. EU is that rarity in the console world - a RTS that works. Buggy and chuggy it may be (there are some crazy frame rates on some of the larger downed spaceships) but with just a few customisation options and neat little touches XCOM has succeeded in creating characters I have way more affection for than Niko Bellic or Nathan Drake. My Scottish Assault guy, Robert Hill, is nicknamed 'Mad Dog'. I like to think Firaxis did this on purpose. Whether intentional or not, his name, nationality and ginger crew cut tells me all I need to know about Rabbie 'Mad Dog' Hill. Like Ukrainian Heavy Mikhail 'Casino' Petrov, it's easy to imagine these soldier's lives and personalities outside of an alien invasion.

But as much as XCOM gives, it loves to take away. I'm excited by the forthcoming heavy mechs and the new squiddy-looking enemies, but I'm sure there will be more alien species they have yet to show us which will be insanely bastard hard. And that's why you should steel yourself to the

5 Inevitabilities of XCOM

1) Even if they are Colonels, your snipers will always miss that crucial shot...

Congratulations, you've doomed everybody

You can train them to have an advantage on higher ground then grapple or archangel them up to the highest point on the map, you can level them up til their aim is at max and then give them a scope so it tops 100, but when your rookie is at the mercy of a Muton Elite, or a trio of Chryssalids, or even just a Thin Man who refuses to die, your sniper will let their ammo fly uselessly into the ether, dispassionately telling you; "Shot failed to connect,"as if they didn't just cost the young blood of XCOM his life.

2) ... unless you kind of want them to

Yup, looks pretty big there

Like when you've spent a few turns carefully lowering a Beserker's health so you can sneak in and stun him, only to have him move and get taken out with that critical you needed earlier when the Sectopod was going around blowing everyone up and both your snipers missed even though they had an eighty-fucking-five-percent chance to hit, and it's also a RUDDY MASSIVE ROBOT. (Apart from when it's on the autopsy table later. As if autopsying a robot isn't weird enough, it's also now the size of an average horse. Check that out next time you replay. It's like some Lord of the Rings sizing continuity.)

Ewww... People are made outta snakes?!

3) When you get bored and decide to dash in, a fuckton of Chryssalids will show up and eat your soldiers' faces off

Even once you've beefed up your soldiers' defences, these guys run in packs and it only takes strikes from a couple of them before the third one is chowing down on tasty eyeballs.

Slave to Convention

So, after Just Cause 2 became unplayable due to freezing issues, and attempting to construct levels in Little Big Planet reminded me why I gave up last time around (no patience or artistic ability) I needed something to get my teeth into. I went for a game I've mentioned wanting to play a couple of times - Enslaved: Odyssey to the West.

Robert Carlyle as Hitler. Obviously.

Enslaved is written by Alex Garland, whom I have a love/hate relationship with. Dredd, 28 Days Later, Sunshine - all pretty darn good (although on a second viewing, Sunshine made less sense than I remembered), The Beach - a fucking abomination. One of the few movies I have actually considered walking out of at the cinema. Even Robert Carlyle on top creepy drug dealer form couldn't save that movie. So... I was a little suspicious, but had seen and heard good things, so was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Enslaved has possibly the best opening sequence of any game I've played. I'm trying to think of one that betters it, and I can't. Thrown straight into the action, you're on a spaceship, it's crashing, and you need to not die. That's pretty much all the exposition you get, and it works. My heart was thumping as I leapt through burning debris and scrambled along collapsing pipework. After surviving that ordeal, I was able to get to know the character I was controlling; Monkey.

It says a lot about the state of modern games characters that I found myself thinking; "Oh, well, at least he isn't classically handsome."At first glance, Andy Serkis's everyday mug is the only thing that distinguishes Monkey from the obligatory tall, white, muscle-bound guy that takes the lead in every game since ever. But, as ever with Serkis's performances, Monkey proves to be a more interesting guy than expected, with greater depth and sensitivity than most stacked games lugs can offer. Opposite Monkey, is Jolie-alike Trip, a voluptuous, wide-eyed engineer, who makes up for her lack of combat skills (at first) with a wealth of technical abilities.

Enslaved is relatively well-known for being critically acclaimed but commercially unsuccessful. Many felt that the art style was outstanding and the storyline mature and nuanced. While I'd definitely agree about the art style - Enslaved looks unique and every scene pops with colour and definition, I have to call bullshit on the storyline stuff.

As I said, Trip is initially pretty resourceful. She traps Monkey in a slave headband, reprograms everything in sight and constructs a handy little dragonfly reconnaissance fella out of junk. But the use of her as a gameplay 'tool' (Monkey literally throws her about in some sections because she's apparently incapable of jumping or climbing on her own) made me uneasy, and later my uneasiness was confirmed when Pigsy announced: "You stay behind, Trip. This is man's work." I couldn't decide whether this was some kind of Garlandy attempt at postmodern irony, but the reality is Trip WAS left behind, and wasn't considered capable enough to do the incredibly manly work of climbing up a crane, even though she'd already climbed numerous similar structures in earlier sections of the game. Up until this point, Trip and Monkey were represented relatively equally: Trip's outfit is unnecessarily skimpy, but then Monkey doesn't wear a shirt and is about as close to being sexualised as I've seen in a male character. Trip's not that strong, but then Monkey isn't that bright. Trip has a silly hair accessory, but then Monkey has a stupid scarf-belt. But now, we're told that an obese, elderly, disabled man is the better choice for climbing a crane than Trip. Essentially, ANYONE but a girl.

"Stay here Trip, this guy's better suited to climbing."

I've played on, and while I find Monkey and Trip's burgeoning romance mildly diverting, I've fallen so far out of love with the game, it doesn't have the impact that would've been possible if I hadn't felt alienated. The relationship has been soured by Trip bleating "Help, help, Monkey, HELP!" as she clung to the back of a runaway mech. (Just let go, you stupid cow!) I'll get to the end out of a sense of duty, rather than a desire for discovery, which is a shame.

Origins Schmorigins

While I'm far more Marvel than DC, Batman has always been one of my favourite superheroes. He's miserable and kinda messed up and reacts to the death of his parents by playing weird vigilante dress up. And he's not even really a superhero, he's just rich and smart and angry.

I enjoyed the old campy TV show, and the stylised Tim Burton movies and the gritty Christopher Nolan movies. I even enjoyed Arnie as Mr Freeze and George Clooney having a batsuit with nipples. I've only read a couple of the comics (I generally stick with non-superhero comics like Hellblazer and Preacher. All right, they're kind of superheroes, but not in the traditional sense.) but I liked those too. So it's no real surprise, that while I wasn't desperate to own Arkham Asylum, I got it eventually.

And it blew me away. I loved everything about it. Punching bad guys in the face, or creeping around in the shadows, sniggering as they lose their shit in fear. Scanning for the solution to riddles and finally managing to line up that elusive dot with the familiar question mark. Running into old favourite enemies and getting to know new ones. (I'd never encountered Zsasz before, but thoroughly enjoyed being creeped out by his increasingly deranged voicemail messages.)

So when Arkham City came around and it was billed as bigger and better AND YOU GOT TO PLAY AS CATWOMAN!!! I was mega-excited. I built it up in my mind to be the best thing evar in all the world. So it was kinda obvious I was heading for disappointment. I found the story somewhat below par (although I was impressed by the ending) as it appeared overstuffed with bad guys (within the first couple of hours, it's possible to encounter Penguin, Joker, Harley Quinn, Mr Freeze, Two Face, Black Mask, Hugo Strange and Ra's al Ghul) and the lack of sympathetic characters to speak to left me wondering what I was fighting for. Arkham Asylum managed to convey a sense of putting things to rights, whereas Arkham City felt too far gone for redemption.

However, on a second playthrough, there was more to appreciate. Catwoman's sections really are great, and playing someone more morally ambiguous brings a much-needed change in tone to the relentless bad guy encounters. (I tried to find a bad Catwoman cosplay to illustrate this point, but all Catwoman cosplayers are total badasses. There really were no bad ones. So look at Anne Hathaway instead.)

The sidequests and the stories they tell are actually far more compelling than the main storyline. The softer side of Mr Freeze conveyed in his side mission leaves you feeling like Batman's actually been kind of a shit to that guy all along. The Identity Theft killer is about as dark as Batman gets, and the desire to give Ellis what's coming to him (a desire that is denied) is overwhelming. Following Azrael around the city, at first intensely irritating, gradually becomes more and more intriguing, until his final enigmatic words. It was these stories that left me really wanting more. The Joker's demise had really opened things up, Crane's bits and bobs lying around indicated that the Scarecrow was going to be the next big baddie, and although I was hugely infuriated by some of his segments in Asylum, I also found them to be some of the best in the game. And that's before you even get on to finding out what Azrael was on about and giving Ellis a good kicking for being a weird face-slicing little nutbag.

Lion-o hasn't aged well

But then, it happens. First, the news Rocksteady won't be taking the reins with the third Arkham installment, instead offering advice to WB Montreal as they assume creative control. They don't seem very experienced, having only made a Scooby Doo game and Lego Legends of Chima, which seems to me to be a blatant Thundercats ripoff, but Rocksteady were unknown when they got Arkham Asylum, so it's not a big deal. Okay, okay, I can get over that.

But then it all comes out. Arkham 3 is going to be an Origin story. Another bloody origin story. I'm sick of origin stories. I don't want to see heroes all weak and bumbling and pre-heroic, I want to see them kicking ass and taking names. I'm fed up of the Joker. We get a reprieve from Mark Hamill this time around (I am not a fan of his work) but he'll still be wisecracking and doing that laugh that sounds like he needs to clear his throat and being overly familiar. Oh, Bats again, is it? How do you like Jokes? How's that for a nickname? How about I call you Clowny JJ? Jo Jo the Clownface Boy? Little Joey Jokepants? Don't like that do you? No. So shut up.

There's also the stuff that doesn't make sense. Like how come, when he first started out, Batman's level of crime scene analysis was far more sophisticated than it is now? Did he just get jaded and think; "Yeah, this utilising hologramatic projections of crimes is too much like hard work. I'll just stick with plain ol' detective vision. What's a few people's lives and escaped criminals when compared to the effort of  having to use technology that takes seconds and improves my chances?"

Hopefully Arkham Origins will prove me wrong and be something so amazing I'll overlook that annoying inconsistency and be waiting desperately for part four. As long as it's not another FFXIII, we're good.

Acknowedgementy bit

Why Do You Hate Me, EA Sports Active 2 Personal Trainer, WHY?!

Mario, you smug prick.

It's no big secret that I don't like exercise. I was picked last for everything in PE at school and rightly so. I was more likely to score an own goal or incapacitate a member of my own team, due to a mixture of extreme inadequacy combined with a pathologically short attention span and a determined lack of enthusiasm for any sport that didn't involve a horse.

I'm one of those trick thin people, where I don't actually have any muscle and all the muscle I appear to have is actually cunningly constructed out of fat. Because of this, and my love for all chocolate and cheese-based foodstuffs, my beloved frequently worries for my health. He knows that while I'll consider 8 hours of tactically sniping aliens time well spent, I begrudge spending even 20 minutes doing exercise. (Unless a horse is involved, obv.) So he got smart, that wiley Northerner, and bought EA Sports Active 2.

Shut up.

At first glance, this is just one step up from a workout DVD. A chirpy fuckwit orders you around,
cheerily giving pointers to help you be the you you know you can be, or some other barely coherent motivational bullshit. You sweat, and you strain, and you get out of breath and at the end of it nothing's different except you hate the instructor even more than you hate yourself.

But then it throws in gamey stuff. There's trophies for things like burning more calories, or completing 2 hours of exercise, or trying one of each exercise type. The leg and arm bands it makes you wear monitor your heart rate and how well you recover compared to last time and plots it into a little chart, encouraging you to beat your last score. You can construct your own workouts with the handy tools and then get rewards for completing them.

And EA have done something really clever, though possibly unintentional, with their trainer. Rather than being comforting and encouraging, she's actually a patronising cow. Her praise ("I know you worked hard for that!") is just as infuriating as her taunts ("C'mon, you're going to have to run faster than that to keep up with me.") Even as I find myself in a sweaty heap on the floor, illogically waving the leg monitor in front of the TV so she can see it and screaming "I DID COMPLETE THE REP!!! I COMPLETED THE REP YOU BITCH!!!" I know I'll still do another workout on my next training day, because I don't want to give that pissy little cow the satisfaction of being able to say; "It seems like you missed a few workouts... never mind, I'm sure you'll catch up."

I might've known.

Acknowledgements

Freeze and Burn - Just Cause 2

I'm not sure how I feel about demos. Jesse Schell recently suggested that demos negatively affect sales. In my experience, they have had close to zero effect on my purchasing choices. I hated the Mass Effect 2 demo so vehemently, I vowed never to buy the game. Bioware inexplicably chose a mission in which pretty much nothing happens, and it also froze my PS3 several times before I managed a complete playthrough. Fortunately, my dear husband forgot [zoned out] my moaning and bought it for me anyway, and it's now one of my favourite games of all time.
The Heavy Rain demo took 12 hours to download on my shitty internet connection and confirmed what I already knew to be the case - that it felt like a playable movie, wouldn't be for everyone and that David Cage could probably make a game where you shoot puppies in the face for nine hours and I'd buy it because I'm a pathetic slave to Quantic Dream.
Enslaved was a great demo and I WILL buy it some day, and probably would have with or without the demo anyway as it's beautiful and story driven. In fact, the only reason I say close to zero rather than zero is Just Cause 2. This demo froze my PS3 repeatedly too, but there was no way I was gonna let that put me off buying it...

I never played the original, and I'm guessing it doesn't matter. Here is a game that really doesn't look like something I'd usually play. The story's a thin excuse for blowing shit up. The main character is a sleazy South American stereotype who swaggers around in a leather vest with a scorpion on it. The women look tough, but they all need Scorpio (Oh didn't I mention that? Yeah, his nickname's Scorpio. So he wears a scorpion jacket. Or maybe it's because of the scorpion jacket. As I say, didn't play the first one where this vital plot point will obviously have been explained...) to blow shit up for them, and call him their hero when he does. His main ally is an irritating Texan gasbag who likes anagrams, because the developers have mistakenly thought including this only mildly relevant fact would inject him with some much needed personality. The game is so packed full of stereotypes, it's like a Conservative Party handbook on racial profiling. The 'Panauans' (The game takes place on the fictional island of Panau) manage to be offensive to Koreans, Russians, Indians, French and Malaysians via an assortment of awful voice acting, terrible accents and cliched wardrobe decisions. In fact, some accents were so bad, I couldn't even identify the intended country of origin. I *think* there may have been an English guy and a German bloke in there, but I really have no idea. I expect the final showdown with Kim Jong Il... I mean... Pandak Panay will involve trying to kick him over a balcony while he sings 'I'm So Ronery.'

BUT

The game is so fun! It's a simple thing that a lot of developers (and yes, my hero Cage is also guilty of this) sometimes allow to fall by the wayside in favour of being emotionally affecting or demonstrating groundbreaking new development techniques.
Just Cause 2's determined ignorance of physics becomes endearing (although also dizzying) as you zing around with your grappling hook, pulling down statues of Panay and blowing up state owned petrol stations because reasons. Hearing the guards yell "Catch him laaaaaaaaaa!" is as funny as it is embarrassingly crass and stupid. Just Cause 2 allows you to be a spy in the most ludicrous, bombastic manner, racing speedboats, riding motorbikes off cliffs and then parachuting to safety, hijacking helicopters in midair and setting charges in munitions factory chimneys before basejumping clear as it detonates. I could literally do all that all day long.

Yep, that pretty much covers it

Acknowledgements and Stuff

Skip to the End

Okay, so I gave in. Final Fantasy obviously didn't WANT me to finish it, or it wouldn't have been so goddamn tedious. I watched an ending video on Youtube to make sure I wasn't missing anything. It didn't make a whole lotta sense. I googled 'FF13 ending' and there are a whole host of forum discussions about what it all means. What I took it to mean is; the writers couldn't write for shit.

Cieth Fang - bringing sexy back

To cut a (ridiculously, unnecessarily) long story short, Fang goes Cieth and wrecks the place up, everyone else kills a Falcie, Cocoon turns to crystal and everyone from Cocoon, including people who were previously dead or crystallised, turn up on Pulse and all live happily ever after because presumably the massive killer creatures that dogged the party's steps for the entire game are no longer an issue. So, that would have been worth playing 80 hours for, right? Mmm. So sad to see a franchise die on its arse like that. No wonder part 2's down to £10 in Grainger already.

Should've seen it coming though. All the clues for abysmal storytelling were there pretty early on:

1. Sazh is a Danny Glover analogue

He even says, repeatedly, "I'm getting too old for this."

2. Brand placement

This guy made good life choices

Positioning of female's brands: Fang - arm, Vanille -upper thigh, Lightning - tit.
Positioning of male's brands: Hope - wrist, Sazh - collar bone, Snow . . . wrist. So, the writers could picture three body parts on ladies, two of which are rather saucy. And on men . . . two. I'm not saying they had to give Snow a scrotal tat or anything (although that would have evened things up a bit) but am I alone in wanting a big ugly brand right across Hope's pretty little face? Just think it could've added another dimension to his character is all. Giving him a healthy 2 dimensions.

3. They couldn't think of more than 4 vehicles...

In my version, he's called Grunzolo

So, the Eidolons are all transformers right? And all those transformers are based on modes of transport? The Shiva twins are a motorbike, Odin's a horse, Brynhildr's a midlife crisis car, Bahamut's a dragon/jet. But Hecatoncheir and Alexander? Let's leave their shitty names to one side, and consider that Hecaton is a ride-on gun, and Alexander is a walking castle. WTF? I can think of at least five things they could've been that would've been cooler and made more sense within the context of the other Eidolons. For a start, by settling on one or the other for Bahamut, they could've left themselves with a dragon or a jet. Then they've still got: griffon, tank, helicopter, truck, dinosaur, and that's without really going into fantasy vehicles, spaceships and animals. But nope, FF13's writers went to 'Castle' before they went to T-Rex. And I know a lot was made of Alexander representing Hope's desire for safety and stability, but if he couldn't feel safe riding a robot T-Rex then the kid's a fucking asshole.

So now, it's on to Just Cause 2, which is proving to be just the fast-moving, mindless antidote I needed to all this pseudo-deep shit. Round up on that in the next installment.

Equus Ferus Computerus

So, I'm still doggedly plodding through FFXIII. Just got to the top of Taejin's Tower and am now thoroughly stuck on Dahaka. Can't remember him being a problem last time, so I'm not sure where I went wrong on this playthrough. Forums are filled with helpful tips like 'Use Saboteurs to debuff and then heal when he harms you.' Oh, really? Because I was just feeding him cakes and holding the controller in my feet.

So, too bitter to blog about that, I thought I'd instead do a companion piece to the 4 Worst Horses in Games and bring you:

The 4 Best Horses in Games

1. Odin

My, what a big gun you have!

When I was a kid, I didn't have the usual crushes. Unlike my sisters, my choice of future husband wasn't Marky Mark or one of New Kids On the Block. Nope, for me it was a toss up between Adam Ant and Thirty Thirty from Brave Starr. For some of you, this may come as no surprise. Therefore, I guess it was obvious I'd love that other robotic man-horse, Odin. Not in a sexy way though. Thirty-Thirty's the only transforming equine mechanoid for me.

2. Ixion

Sticking with FF then, we have Ixion. As all craft aficionados know, the way to make anything cooler, is to put a bird on it. Games designers and fantasy writers follow a similar rule. Put a horn on it. If something usually has no horns, give it one. If it normally has two, give it four. Three horns? Put six on that bad boy. Good job nothing in nature has five horns. That would be getting crazy. Anyway, it's true Ixion looks kind of like a poodle with 'roid rage, but the guy shoots lightning out of his massive sickle shaped horn. What more do you want? I need to stop saying the word horn now.

3. Ponyta/Rapidash

Okay, so Ponyta (and his evolved form Rapidash) isn't my favourite Pokemon. That honor goes to Bulbasaur, who was doing the whole "My name is the only thing I say" thing waaaaay before Hodor. (I know, lots of the Pokemon do that, shut up.) But the other rule of game design is put flames on things. Flaming sword, flaming armour, flaming charity kitten. Rapidash follows both rules. Already had flames, so the only room for improvement? Horn.

4. Ruin

Ruin is actually my favourite game horse of all time. He turned up in Darksiders at a point where Mark Hamill's shitty acting as The Watcher had me on the verge of embedding my controller in the TV. Winning Ruin's trust is a brilliant and exhilarating part of the game. He brings in some much needed camaraderie and can be employed to devastating effect against enemies. He's fast, he's smart, he has flaming hooves. Horn? Ruin don't need no horn. He's got an armoured saddle with skulls on.

Acknowledgements