Equus Ferus Computerus

So, I'm still doggedly plodding through FFXIII. Just got to the top of Taejin's Tower and am now thoroughly stuck on Dahaka. Can't remember him being a problem last time, so I'm not sure where I went wrong on this playthrough. Forums are filled with helpful tips like 'Use Saboteurs to debuff and then heal when he harms you.' Oh, really? Because I was just feeding him cakes and holding the controller in my feet.

So, too bitter to blog about that, I thought I'd instead do a companion piece to the 4 Worst Horses in Games and bring you:

The 4 Best Horses in Games

1. Odin

My, what a big gun you have!

When I was a kid, I didn't have the usual crushes. Unlike my sisters, my choice of future husband wasn't Marky Mark or one of New Kids On the Block. Nope, for me it was a toss up between Adam Ant and Thirty Thirty from Brave Starr. For some of you, this may come as no surprise. Therefore, I guess it was obvious I'd love that other robotic man-horse, Odin. Not in a sexy way though. Thirty-Thirty's the only transforming equine mechanoid for me.

2. Ixion

Sticking with FF then, we have Ixion. As all craft aficionados know, the way to make anything cooler, is to put a bird on it. Games designers and fantasy writers follow a similar rule. Put a horn on it. If something usually has no horns, give it one. If it normally has two, give it four. Three horns? Put six on that bad boy. Good job nothing in nature has five horns. That would be getting crazy. Anyway, it's true Ixion looks kind of like a poodle with 'roid rage, but the guy shoots lightning out of his massive sickle shaped horn. What more do you want? I need to stop saying the word horn now.

3. Ponyta/Rapidash

Okay, so Ponyta (and his evolved form Rapidash) isn't my favourite Pokemon. That honor goes to Bulbasaur, who was doing the whole "My name is the only thing I say" thing waaaaay before Hodor. (I know, lots of the Pokemon do that, shut up.) But the other rule of game design is put flames on things. Flaming sword, flaming armour, flaming charity kitten. Rapidash follows both rules. Already had flames, so the only room for improvement? Horn.

4. Ruin

Ruin is actually my favourite game horse of all time. He turned up in Darksiders at a point where Mark Hamill's shitty acting as The Watcher had me on the verge of embedding my controller in the TV. Winning Ruin's trust is a brilliant and exhilarating part of the game. He brings in some much needed camaraderie and can be employed to devastating effect against enemies. He's fast, he's smart, he has flaming hooves. Horn? Ruin don't need no horn. He's got an armoured saddle with skulls on.

Acknowledgements