5 Inevitabilities of XCOM

I don't remember eating that

With XCOM: Enemy Within due to launch in November and The Bureau: XCOM Declassified looking like an embarrassing, poorly conceived mess, I thought it was about time I dusted off XCOM: Enemy Unknown for another round of heavy floater flushing. EU is that rarity in the console world - a RTS that works. Buggy and chuggy it may be (there are some crazy frame rates on some of the larger downed spaceships) but with just a few customisation options and neat little touches XCOM has succeeded in creating characters I have way more affection for than Niko Bellic or Nathan Drake. My Scottish Assault guy, Robert Hill, is nicknamed 'Mad Dog'. I like to think Firaxis did this on purpose. Whether intentional or not, his name, nationality and ginger crew cut tells me all I need to know about Rabbie 'Mad Dog' Hill. Like Ukrainian Heavy Mikhail 'Casino' Petrov, it's easy to imagine these soldier's lives and personalities outside of an alien invasion.

But as much as XCOM gives, it loves to take away. I'm excited by the forthcoming heavy mechs and the new squiddy-looking enemies, but I'm sure there will be more alien species they have yet to show us which will be insanely bastard hard. And that's why you should steel yourself to the

5 Inevitabilities of XCOM

1) Even if they are Colonels, your snipers will always miss that crucial shot...

Congratulations, you've doomed everybody

You can train them to have an advantage on higher ground then grapple or archangel them up to the highest point on the map, you can level them up til their aim is at max and then give them a scope so it tops 100, but when your rookie is at the mercy of a Muton Elite, or a trio of Chryssalids, or even just a Thin Man who refuses to die, your sniper will let their ammo fly uselessly into the ether, dispassionately telling you; "Shot failed to connect,"as if they didn't just cost the young blood of XCOM his life.

2) ... unless you kind of want them to

Yup, looks pretty big there

Like when you've spent a few turns carefully lowering a Beserker's health so you can sneak in and stun him, only to have him move and get taken out with that critical you needed earlier when the Sectopod was going around blowing everyone up and both your snipers missed even though they had an eighty-fucking-five-percent chance to hit, and it's also a RUDDY MASSIVE ROBOT. (Apart from when it's on the autopsy table later. As if autopsying a robot isn't weird enough, it's also now the size of an average horse. Check that out next time you replay. It's like some Lord of the Rings sizing continuity.)

Ewww... People are made outta snakes?!

3) When you get bored and decide to dash in, a fuckton of Chryssalids will show up and eat your soldiers' faces off

Even once you've beefed up your soldiers' defences, these guys run in packs and it only takes strikes from a couple of them before the third one is chowing down on tasty eyeballs.

 

Eat my purple pain rays, puny human

4) Ethereals will possess your best soldier and/or the one with the best weapon

So now you're not just fighting an alien that can flay you alive with its mind, but also that guy you trained and armed with a huge, expensive gun that fires deadly green spooge.

5) A car will go from solid to exploded heap of burning wreckage in less than the space of a turn, killing your only Support

"Impossible", you may say, "a car can only explode at the end of a turn, so you can get out of the way." You may say that, but then you, sir, are a ninny. Because in XCOM world, what happens is this. You set up a couple of your team on overwatch because there are a lot of Mutons about. Then, scooch your Support up to a nice big SUV because it gives good cover and you're not going to leave her there long, and remember all those Mutons? Now you move your Assault, and he triggers more mutons to come running in. Your Heavies fire wildly like the mindless bovine bastards they are, missing the Mutons and setting the car aflame, technically still within your turn. Now your turn is over, and the Mutons have shot your Support, but she's still alive because her armour is good, but the SUV's exploded because it's not your turn any more and now she's dead and you never had chance to move her out of harm's way and that's how XCOM do.

The ciiiiiiircle of life!

Picture credits