Skip to the End

Okay, so I gave in. Final Fantasy obviously didn't WANT me to finish it, or it wouldn't have been so goddamn tedious. I watched an ending video on Youtube to make sure I wasn't missing anything. It didn't make a whole lotta sense. I googled 'FF13 ending' and there are a whole host of forum discussions about what it all means. What I took it to mean is; the writers couldn't write for shit.

Cieth Fang - bringing sexy back

To cut a (ridiculously, unnecessarily) long story short, Fang goes Cieth and wrecks the place up, everyone else kills a Falcie, Cocoon turns to crystal and everyone from Cocoon, including people who were previously dead or crystallised, turn up on Pulse and all live happily ever after because presumably the massive killer creatures that dogged the party's steps for the entire game are no longer an issue. So, that would have been worth playing 80 hours for, right? Mmm. So sad to see a franchise die on its arse like that. No wonder part 2's down to £10 in Grainger already.

Should've seen it coming though. All the clues for abysmal storytelling were there pretty early on:

1. Sazh is a Danny Glover analogue

He even says, repeatedly, "I'm getting too old for this."

2. Brand placement

This guy made good life choices

Positioning of female's brands: Fang - arm, Vanille -upper thigh, Lightning - tit.
Positioning of male's brands: Hope - wrist, Sazh - collar bone, Snow . . . wrist. So, the writers could picture three body parts on ladies, two of which are rather saucy. And on men . . . two. I'm not saying they had to give Snow a scrotal tat or anything (although that would have evened things up a bit) but am I alone in wanting a big ugly brand right across Hope's pretty little face? Just think it could've added another dimension to his character is all. Giving him a healthy 2 dimensions.

3. They couldn't think of more than 4 vehicles...

In my version, he's called Grunzolo

So, the Eidolons are all transformers right? And all those transformers are based on modes of transport? The Shiva twins are a motorbike, Odin's a horse, Brynhildr's a midlife crisis car, Bahamut's a dragon/jet. But Hecatoncheir and Alexander? Let's leave their shitty names to one side, and consider that Hecaton is a ride-on gun, and Alexander is a walking castle. WTF? I can think of at least five things they could've been that would've been cooler and made more sense within the context of the other Eidolons. For a start, by settling on one or the other for Bahamut, they could've left themselves with a dragon or a jet. Then they've still got: griffon, tank, helicopter, truck, dinosaur, and that's without really going into fantasy vehicles, spaceships and animals. But nope, FF13's writers went to 'Castle' before they went to T-Rex. And I know a lot was made of Alexander representing Hope's desire for safety and stability, but if he couldn't feel safe riding a robot T-Rex then the kid's a fucking asshole.

So now, it's on to Just Cause 2, which is proving to be just the fast-moving, mindless antidote I needed to all this pseudo-deep shit. Round up on that in the next installment.

Equus Ferus Computerus

So, I'm still doggedly plodding through FFXIII. Just got to the top of Taejin's Tower and am now thoroughly stuck on Dahaka. Can't remember him being a problem last time, so I'm not sure where I went wrong on this playthrough. Forums are filled with helpful tips like 'Use Saboteurs to debuff and then heal when he harms you.' Oh, really? Because I was just feeding him cakes and holding the controller in my feet.

So, too bitter to blog about that, I thought I'd instead do a companion piece to the 4 Worst Horses in Games and bring you:

The 4 Best Horses in Games

1. Odin

My, what a big gun you have!

When I was a kid, I didn't have the usual crushes. Unlike my sisters, my choice of future husband wasn't Marky Mark or one of New Kids On the Block. Nope, for me it was a toss up between Adam Ant and Thirty Thirty from Brave Starr. For some of you, this may come as no surprise. Therefore, I guess it was obvious I'd love that other robotic man-horse, Odin. Not in a sexy way though. Thirty-Thirty's the only transforming equine mechanoid for me.

2. Ixion

Sticking with FF then, we have Ixion. As all craft aficionados know, the way to make anything cooler, is to put a bird on it. Games designers and fantasy writers follow a similar rule. Put a horn on it. If something usually has no horns, give it one. If it normally has two, give it four. Three horns? Put six on that bad boy. Good job nothing in nature has five horns. That would be getting crazy. Anyway, it's true Ixion looks kind of like a poodle with 'roid rage, but the guy shoots lightning out of his massive sickle shaped horn. What more do you want? I need to stop saying the word horn now.

3. Ponyta/Rapidash

Okay, so Ponyta (and his evolved form Rapidash) isn't my favourite Pokemon. That honor goes to Bulbasaur, who was doing the whole "My name is the only thing I say" thing waaaaay before Hodor. (I know, lots of the Pokemon do that, shut up.) But the other rule of game design is put flames on things. Flaming sword, flaming armour, flaming charity kitten. Rapidash follows both rules. Already had flames, so the only room for improvement? Horn.

4. Ruin

Ruin is actually my favourite game horse of all time. He turned up in Darksiders at a point where Mark Hamill's shitty acting as The Watcher had me on the verge of embedding my controller in the TV. Winning Ruin's trust is a brilliant and exhilarating part of the game. He brings in some much needed camaraderie and can be employed to devastating effect against enemies. He's fast, he's smart, he has flaming hooves. Horn? Ruin don't need no horn. He's got an armoured saddle with skulls on.

Acknowledgements

Are We Nearly There Yet?

Three years I waited for FFXIII after completing FFXII. Three long years. Final Fantasy is one of the few franchises I'll break my 'never-buy-on-release-day' rule for. So when Edge got a preview, I rushed out to buy their hands-on review...

I couldn't believe it. It must just be some new reviewer trying to make a name for himself, I told myself. Their online critic was even harsher. I told myself they were wrong. I told myself that inspite of my earlier misgivings, Square Enix just wouldn't do that! So I went and bought and the game at launch and, as they usually are in the vast majority of their reviews...

 

FFXIII breaks so many rules of games and storytelling, I'm frankly astounded it got a sequel. I've been replaying it for the purposes of this blog (I would never have touched the thing again otherwise) and keep thinking that the three years I spent waiting for a new FF game didn't seem as long as the linear 'opening' section of the game itself. 25 hours! 25 hours until you can stop being shunted along through the dreadful storyline with all the usual emo dickweeds and actually do what you want. Although seeing as there are no towns and only one extremely long and tedious side quest, it doesn't really seem like much of a relief . All the most interesting parts of the story happen offscreen, so we're instead treated to lots of cutscenes of Lightning's only expression (brooding) or Hope's wide tear-tearfilled eyes as he tries to come to terms with the death of his mother or the seperation from his dad or his friend's debilitating case of I-don't-give-a-fuck. 

The Many Faces of Lightning, The Kristen Stewart of the Gaming World

Another thing about Lightning that makes me very uncomfortable is how thin she is. At least she doesn't have ridiculous balloon breasts with a life of their own (although bit part player Jihl Nabaat has that covered anyway>) but something about her skinniness really nagsat me. I think it's because she's a soldier. Her wetter-than-a-tissue-paper-diving-suit sister Serah is equally skinny, but why wouldn't she be? She farts around in lacy stockings and clearly has daddy issues. But Lightning's supposed to be some bladegun-toting badass with military training and L'Cie special moves. She shouldn't look like she lives off salads and coffee fumes. 

Having said all of that, I am at least finding it playable this time around, as I now have sufficient understanding of the crystarium and paradigms to not have to go through the deplorably dull tutorials. Maybe I'll even make it to the end this time. Maybe the end will be so revelatory and glorious, I'll be compelled to rush out and buy part two and spend even more time with Lightning's miserable fizzog. Who can say?

It's been a while...

...so, what's happened during my long hiatus? Well, I joined the games industry, left the games industry and now just have a toe in it. And what better way to celebrate my triumphant return to this blog than the...

4 Worst Horses in Games

1. Agro in Shadow of the Colossus

I know there's a lot of love out there for Agro. He's your only friend in a harsh landscape populated with huge creatures. But my complaint doesn't really lie with Agro himself. It's not his fault he looks like that. It's the fault of a development team that spent many hours creating expansive vistas and mind-blowing bosses, but couldn't spend fifteen fucking minutes to check which way a horse's knee bends. Don't even get me started on when he's galloping around and all four limbs become jointless noodley appendages. If a vet saw him flailing about like that he'd have him shot in the face on the spot.

2. Any Horse in Skyrim

Skyrim horses on the other hand, look all right. They're not going to win any Best in Show rosettes, but their legs work. They're just total dicks. Sure footed to the point of ridiculousness when you're just messing around, as soon as you actually need them to not fall off a cliff and plummet to their doom, that's the first thing they do. They're also aggressive nutters, leaping out to take on armed bandits and dragons while you're hiding in a bush trying to snipe them quietly from a distance. Idiots.

 

 

 

 

3. 'Stealth' Horses in Metal Gear Solid 5

Another logistical nightmare. Anyone who's ever ridden a horse knows they are creatures incapable of stealth. When they're not freaking out because the bush they've walked past a hundred times before is terrifying today, they're farting loudly and unashamedly. And I know that's not really the point in MGS5, but even taking into account that the horse itself isn't supposed to be the stealthiest, Snake's enemies must be monumentally thick to think nothing of a horse strolling past them in full tack keeping one side completely hidden from their view. Y'know, like horses do.

4. Jade's Horse in Pippa Funnell: Take the Reins

That's it, don't acknowledge my presence in any way, just how I like it

My husband bought me this game as a hilarious joke. Cos I like games and I like horses and I'm not opposed to Pippa Funnell, so obviously it was the 'ideal' present. The problem with Jade's horse is he demonstrates all the traits that are likely to put people off owning horses. He's disobedient, slow to react to aids, plunges into or refuses jumps, misbehaves in the dressage arena and requires constant, repetitive patting, grooming and mucking out, which he accepts woodenly with no discernible signs of appreciation. Or maybe I just wasn't very good at the game.

Heavy Rain

Okay, I think sufficient time has now passed that I can safely bang on about this game without incurring spoiler wrath.

Heavy Rain is pretty much exactly what I expected - beautiful, intriguing, unique and flawed. But that's not to say I love it any less. I adore the game 100% and I honestly think that at this stage, as a landmark game, it couldn't have been any better than it is. Any quibbles are minor and I'm confident will be worked out in David Cage's next game.

Eww. I did not sign up for this.

Take a look at Fahrenheit. It was beautiful, intriguing, unique and flawed to the point that the ending made me wonder if I'd somehow accidentally loaded a save from a different game. (Aliens? There are aliens now? Where the hell did the aliens come from and why the hell does that have anything to do with it being fucking freezing?!) It also had the most revoltingly clunky sex scene since Team America. But I still loved it and was glad to see that Heavy Rain had made huge leaps forward from this shaky start.

The ending makes sense (well, the three I tried did anyway) and the rain is a crucial plot point. Unlike the ever dropping temperature of Fahrenheit, which didn't really seem to have much to do with the aliens, or the cult, or the fact that Lucas Kane was some kind of alien hybrid immortal.

And that's for wearing that jacket!

I think the main reason internet critics had a problem with the game was that most of them are fifteen
and this, despite it's age rating, is not a game for fifteen year olds. Not because of the scenes of 'titillation' (an accusation I now feel was unfairly leveled at the game - it doesn't especially try to be titillating. In fact, the striptease scene in particular is only titillating if you choose to entirely miss the point and make Madison take her clothes off rather than escape Paco. And I think that says more about you as a player than Quantic Dream as developers.) Wow, that was such a long bracket, I think I'll just start the sentence again: This is not a game for fifteen year olds because of the emotional content, because the choices presented require a maturity of thought and because the game is very, very bleak.

It took a lot of effort to get a happy ending, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's true of life.

1/3/10 - the day the network died

Imagine this - the game you have long anticipated is finally released. You rush out to buy it. You have a few days holiday that have happily coincided with the release date, which is excellent, as you intend to play the shit out of it. And then, when you've barely even got to grips with it, Sony lets some work experience kid press some button they shouldn't and the entire network shuts down.

This game doesn't require network play, though, so that's all fine, isn't it? WRONG! Because this particular glitch gremlin is thorough and has ensured that every old model PS3 owner, whether they're utilising network play or not, cannot have any fun. And it only took them OVER A DAY to get it fixed.

Goddammnit! So it was back to FFX2 AGAIN. Although I did find the Mi'Hen Dungeon, so y'know, silver lining.

Just one more attempt at getting a good ending on Heavy Rain and then I think enough time will have elapsed for me to share my thoughts.

Crimbo Bovvered Ya!

A boy at my school used to run up and scream 'Shambo bovvered ya!' (Trans: 'Shamble - bothered you!' Meaning: 'Aha! Bet that irritated you!') down your ear canal and then run away. It feels like Christmas does this to me every year.

Anyway, despite the usual onslaught, Christmas was kind to me this year, particularly where gaming is concerned. My dear mother provided two excellent presents: Brutal Legend (more about that later) and 'Writing for Video Games' by Steve Ince. This is an excellent book for any aspiring games writer, and helped me develop a new-found respect for games writers and vow never to mock shonky dialogue again, as it underlined how mindbendingly hard this mode of writing is. Stories don't have to make sense if you choose to read the pages in a different order to the one they came in.

The only problem with this book was that I couldn't get over the cover. Not the big robot or the pirate cat, they're fine. Even the spookily lit eye is all right by me. No, it's the guy at the top. I'm not sure what he looked like originally, but the face they have superimposed on top belongs to Shane Lynch. Look - this is even virtually the same picture!

What's all that about hey? All through the book it kept on nagging at me, like the little man in his hair.

Anyway, rogue Shane Lynch faces and Subbuteo men are not why we are gathered here tonight. We are united together this evening to hear a little story. It's the story of a man. A man with a dream. A dream of metal. And that man's name (okay, I'm going to stop writing like this now, because I'm even annoying myself.) was Tim Schafer.

The thing that was Brutal Legend's greatest strength for me has probably proved its greatest weakness in terms of sales figures. It's a fun game that looks beautiful and is so well-crafted it's easy to take for granted the fact that there are no major glitches. (That I've found. Yet.) The missions won't win any prizes for originality and there is a sense of trying to cram every type of game in - racing, shooting, strategy, fighting, puzzler. Everything is lovingly drawn and exquisitely presented, but I wouldn't have bought it for that reason alone. (Or asked my Mum to get it for Xmas) I wanted Brutal Legend because it was a comedy metal game. And therein lies the problem folks.

Because the Venn Diagram consisting of people who like Metal, Comedy Metal and Gaming results in a very thin crosshatched centre area with me, Tim Schafer and two guys from Sweden standing in it. The game is a niche within a niche within a niche. Sadly, many metal fans, (despite the fact that metal is self-evidently very silly) are incredibly worthy about the genre and get irritated by people who also like 'novelty' bands like Tenacious D or Gwar as if it somehow demeans the musical greatness of their forebears. And then, of the few metal fans who make the cut and can accept Jack Black as the lead in a comedy metal game, how many are gamers who will actually part with their hard-earned cash? We're back to me, Tim and the Swedes again. And Tim probably got a free copy.

Ultimately though, I guess with a great game, it's far easier to nitpick. (and I'm slightly bitter from being trounced in stage battles) I really hope this game does beat the odds and do well because it deserves to. It's full of heart, love and humour and it's very rare for those things to shine through in modern games.