It's been a while...

...so, what's happened during my long hiatus? Well, I joined the games industry, left the games industry and now just have a toe in it. And what better way to celebrate my triumphant return to this blog than the...

4 Worst Horses in Games

1. Agro in Shadow of the Colossus

I know there's a lot of love out there for Agro. He's your only friend in a harsh landscape populated with huge creatures. But my complaint doesn't really lie with Agro himself. It's not his fault he looks like that. It's the fault of a development team that spent many hours creating expansive vistas and mind-blowing bosses, but couldn't spend fifteen fucking minutes to check which way a horse's knee bends. Don't even get me started on when he's galloping around and all four limbs become jointless noodley appendages. If a vet saw him flailing about like that he'd have him shot in the face on the spot.

2. Any Horse in Skyrim

Skyrim horses on the other hand, look all right. They're not going to win any Best in Show rosettes, but their legs work. They're just total dicks. Sure footed to the point of ridiculousness when you're just messing around, as soon as you actually need them to not fall off a cliff and plummet to their doom, that's the first thing they do. They're also aggressive nutters, leaping out to take on armed bandits and dragons while you're hiding in a bush trying to snipe them quietly from a distance. Idiots.

 

 

 

 

3. 'Stealth' Horses in Metal Gear Solid 5

Another logistical nightmare. Anyone who's ever ridden a horse knows they are creatures incapable of stealth. When they're not freaking out because the bush they've walked past a hundred times before is terrifying today, they're farting loudly and unashamedly. And I know that's not really the point in MGS5, but even taking into account that the horse itself isn't supposed to be the stealthiest, Snake's enemies must be monumentally thick to think nothing of a horse strolling past them in full tack keeping one side completely hidden from their view. Y'know, like horses do.

4. Jade's Horse in Pippa Funnell: Take the Reins

That's it, don't acknowledge my presence in any way, just how I like it

My husband bought me this game as a hilarious joke. Cos I like games and I like horses and I'm not opposed to Pippa Funnell, so obviously it was the 'ideal' present. The problem with Jade's horse is he demonstrates all the traits that are likely to put people off owning horses. He's disobedient, slow to react to aids, plunges into or refuses jumps, misbehaves in the dressage arena and requires constant, repetitive patting, grooming and mucking out, which he accepts woodenly with no discernible signs of appreciation. Or maybe I just wasn't very good at the game.

Heavy Rain

Okay, I think sufficient time has now passed that I can safely bang on about this game without incurring spoiler wrath.

Heavy Rain is pretty much exactly what I expected - beautiful, intriguing, unique and flawed. But that's not to say I love it any less. I adore the game 100% and I honestly think that at this stage, as a landmark game, it couldn't have been any better than it is. Any quibbles are minor and I'm confident will be worked out in David Cage's next game.

Eww. I did not sign up for this.

Take a look at Fahrenheit. It was beautiful, intriguing, unique and flawed to the point that the ending made me wonder if I'd somehow accidentally loaded a save from a different game. (Aliens? There are aliens now? Where the hell did the aliens come from and why the hell does that have anything to do with it being fucking freezing?!) It also had the most revoltingly clunky sex scene since Team America. But I still loved it and was glad to see that Heavy Rain had made huge leaps forward from this shaky start.

The ending makes sense (well, the three I tried did anyway) and the rain is a crucial plot point. Unlike the ever dropping temperature of Fahrenheit, which didn't really seem to have much to do with the aliens, or the cult, or the fact that Lucas Kane was some kind of alien hybrid immortal.

And that's for wearing that jacket!

I think the main reason internet critics had a problem with the game was that most of them are fifteen
and this, despite it's age rating, is not a game for fifteen year olds. Not because of the scenes of 'titillation' (an accusation I now feel was unfairly leveled at the game - it doesn't especially try to be titillating. In fact, the striptease scene in particular is only titillating if you choose to entirely miss the point and make Madison take her clothes off rather than escape Paco. And I think that says more about you as a player than Quantic Dream as developers.) Wow, that was such a long bracket, I think I'll just start the sentence again: This is not a game for fifteen year olds because of the emotional content, because the choices presented require a maturity of thought and because the game is very, very bleak.

It took a lot of effort to get a happy ending, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's true of life.

1/3/10 - the day the network died

Imagine this - the game you have long anticipated is finally released. You rush out to buy it. You have a few days holiday that have happily coincided with the release date, which is excellent, as you intend to play the shit out of it. And then, when you've barely even got to grips with it, Sony lets some work experience kid press some button they shouldn't and the entire network shuts down.

This game doesn't require network play, though, so that's all fine, isn't it? WRONG! Because this particular glitch gremlin is thorough and has ensured that every old model PS3 owner, whether they're utilising network play or not, cannot have any fun. And it only took them OVER A DAY to get it fixed.

Goddammnit! So it was back to FFX2 AGAIN. Although I did find the Mi'Hen Dungeon, so y'know, silver lining.

Just one more attempt at getting a good ending on Heavy Rain and then I think enough time will have elapsed for me to share my thoughts.

Crimbo Bovvered Ya!

A boy at my school used to run up and scream 'Shambo bovvered ya!' (Trans: 'Shamble - bothered you!' Meaning: 'Aha! Bet that irritated you!') down your ear canal and then run away. It feels like Christmas does this to me every year.

Anyway, despite the usual onslaught, Christmas was kind to me this year, particularly where gaming is concerned. My dear mother provided two excellent presents: Brutal Legend (more about that later) and 'Writing for Video Games' by Steve Ince. This is an excellent book for any aspiring games writer, and helped me develop a new-found respect for games writers and vow never to mock shonky dialogue again, as it underlined how mindbendingly hard this mode of writing is. Stories don't have to make sense if you choose to read the pages in a different order to the one they came in.

The only problem with this book was that I couldn't get over the cover. Not the big robot or the pirate cat, they're fine. Even the spookily lit eye is all right by me. No, it's the guy at the top. I'm not sure what he looked like originally, but the face they have superimposed on top belongs to Shane Lynch. Look - this is even virtually the same picture!

What's all that about hey? All through the book it kept on nagging at me, like the little man in his hair.

Anyway, rogue Shane Lynch faces and Subbuteo men are not why we are gathered here tonight. We are united together this evening to hear a little story. It's the story of a man. A man with a dream. A dream of metal. And that man's name (okay, I'm going to stop writing like this now, because I'm even annoying myself.) was Tim Schafer.

The thing that was Brutal Legend's greatest strength for me has probably proved its greatest weakness in terms of sales figures. It's a fun game that looks beautiful and is so well-crafted it's easy to take for granted the fact that there are no major glitches. (That I've found. Yet.) The missions won't win any prizes for originality and there is a sense of trying to cram every type of game in - racing, shooting, strategy, fighting, puzzler. Everything is lovingly drawn and exquisitely presented, but I wouldn't have bought it for that reason alone. (Or asked my Mum to get it for Xmas) I wanted Brutal Legend because it was a comedy metal game. And therein lies the problem folks.

Because the Venn Diagram consisting of people who like Metal, Comedy Metal and Gaming results in a very thin crosshatched centre area with me, Tim Schafer and two guys from Sweden standing in it. The game is a niche within a niche within a niche. Sadly, many metal fans, (despite the fact that metal is self-evidently very silly) are incredibly worthy about the genre and get irritated by people who also like 'novelty' bands like Tenacious D or Gwar as if it somehow demeans the musical greatness of their forebears. And then, of the few metal fans who make the cut and can accept Jack Black as the lead in a comedy metal game, how many are gamers who will actually part with their hard-earned cash? We're back to me, Tim and the Swedes again. And Tim probably got a free copy.

Ultimately though, I guess with a great game, it's far easier to nitpick. (and I'm slightly bitter from being trounced in stage battles) I really hope this game does beat the odds and do well because it deserves to. It's full of heart, love and humour and it's very rare for those things to shine through in modern games.

Still Not Feeling It (well, not that, anyway)

Don't get me wrong, the sepia toned ending was all very nice, and I enjoyed the Broken Steel add-on very much, but I still kind of felt like shrugging at the end of Fallout 3. I'm still playing, exploring the huge world Bethesda has created but that's less about the story and more about Fawkes.

As you know, I have a bit of a thing for animalistic humanoids, so from the moment he asked me to break him out of Vault 87, I knew me and Fawkes were going to get along great. And we do. He's always got my back. Whether it's fighting Deathclaws in Old Olney or Nukalurks in the Nuka Cola Factory, Fawkes is there with his gatling laser, blowing the shit out of everything and laughing like a loon. Unlike Mrs Hoity Toity useless bitch Paladin Star Cross, who constantly blundered into my line of fire then griped when I accidentally shot her in the back, Fawkes positions himself with greater care and just grunts when I accidentally catch him in the blast of a plasma grenade.

Forget saving up enough money to hire Charon. I'm so over him.

Undead Mega Douche

Most fun apocalypse ever!

I'm a big fan of Bethesda's work anyway, having frittered away many hours playing Morrowind and its multiple addons, so I was pleased to see their name on Fallout 3. Fallout 3 is fun, interesting, varied and thought-provoking with lots of nice little details and plenty of longevity and playability.

Having said all that, I'm not really sure it deserved game of the year. As polished, detailed and realistic as all the landscapes are, there are still A LOT of glitches. Creeping around in the DC subway system, every time I turned a corner, my head disappeared disconcertingly into the wall. In areas with a lot of sound and texture going on such as the dense and dripping underground caverns of Hamilton's Hideaway, there's a significant drop in frame rate, giving a strobing effect that's irritating and unpleasant.

NPC AI is fantastic. I found myself hiding behind walls just to listen to conversations between supermutants. "I remember a woman. Or perhaps being a woman, I don't know. It bothers me." "What are you some kind of human?" "No, I just-" "Stop saying these things! You make me sick! Get back to work!" But some of the text based conversations with villagers and key characters are overwhelmingly tedious, going round and round in circles clicking through pages of dialogue until they eventually say something useful or interesting.

The Pip Boy is a welcome alternative to Morrowind's journal, feeling far more realistic and intuitive. My life is literally on my Pip Boy. VATS is an entertaining way to kill enemies, but general firing is pretty difficult. Maybe my character is just shit, but she doesn't seem to shoot in the direction of the targeting icon, even when the enemy is two feet away and the icon is flashing red to indicate they're in range.

Game of the Year is a big title. To me, that says that this is THE BEST game of the year, in every category. The best designed, the best executed, the best to play. And while Fallout 3 is excellent in all these areas, it still doesn't quite get my vote. Morrowind, also a former game of the year, seemed like a worthy winner. Maybe that made me set my expectations too high. But it just feels to me like Bethesda hasn't moved on quite enough from the template Morrowind created.

Who knows, maybe the game's ending will blow me away so much, I'll change my mind. I'll let you know when I get there.

X2 goes X-Rated

Just when I thought this game couldn't get any more squarely aimed at adolescent boys, I found Yuna and Rikku's Special Garment Spheres. Trying them out for the first time nearly got me killed, because I was so stunned by the scenes of full frontal (albeit nipple and vagina-less) nudity, the ATB mode kept running right on without me.

I'm looking forwards to finding Paine's now too to see whether she fellates her sword or if they all join forces to oil each other up and pole dance to victory. Squaresoft, c'mon!

Erm... Yeah...